If All Else Fails (Pay Someone)

Some nights, when I have to force myself to sit down and log onto eDisharmony*, because there are honestly things that I’d rather be doing than critiquing the profiles of helpless men that are in the same boat as me, I have to ask myself “How did I get here?”

If you’d asked me in college if I would ever be “that girl” who would turn to online dating to find someone to date, I would have laughed at you. If you’d asked me AFTER college the same question, I would have pointed you in the direction of the 3 guys that I made out with in one week (is there a medal for that? There should be)(I’m not a whore, btw.)(At this point, I’m starting to think whores have more fun)(But to be a whore you need to find men to whore with.)(Note to self- create eWhoremony)(I’m a genius) and laughed even harder.

(Did you love that massive parenthesis-filled tangent?!) (I did. At least I amuse myself)

I really think that the women of my generation should have been made aware that in the 80s, 95% of the babies that were born were female. Doesn’t that seem like something that should be on CNN? Right now they’re running a story about annoying Facebook users. A story about a man-shortage so extreme that it’s threatening the survival of the world should warrant front-page news.

Wait- there is no man shortage? That can’t be right. Because… because… where the hell are they all?! There are so many single 20-somethings running around central PA, it’s getting frightening. They’re going to have to add “mid 20’s women” to hunting season to cull the population or whatever they call it… I’ve come to a couple of conclusions regarding this fact:

  1.  As soon as they graduate high school, guys run like hell never to be seen again.
  2.  As soon as they graduate college, they run like hell to large cities to work and play and never be seen again.
  3.  As soon as they graduate high school or college, they join Al Qaeda and are living in caves in Afghanistan somewhere. What. Caves are the new Dubai.
  4.  As soon as they graduate high school or college, they are abducted by aliens from a planet that we’ve never heard of that is experiencing a similar man-shortage and taken back there to create a human-alien half-breed race that will come back and annihilate us. And I will still be single.

I never said my conclusions were good or plausible. Don’t judge me.

After my last relationship, I waited a while before thinking about dating again. At first I was in the “I hate men” phase, after having yet another person be not remotely who he presented himself as. Anyone that remotely reminded me of him was immediately disqualified as being “Too much like so-and-so. *shudder*”

I also realized that I wasn’t going to meet someone the way that many women of my generation do. I’ve never been into the bar or club scene, and it’s something that I never regretted it in the slightest. I’ve seen very few young women my age actually have something resembling success with a guy they’ve met at that scene, and being somewhere claustrophobic and smoky with overpriced cocktails never really appealed to me.

I decided that the best way to go was to meet people through the activities that I’m involved with. That, too, turned out to be a bust. The guys in the band are either too young, gay, or married. Surely I’d meet someone in the choir… nope. Too old, gay, or married. (Note to self: meeting guys in music organizations- not happening.) And the few men that have been in my yoga classes have all been dragged there by their wives/girlfriends.

One day, I was sitting at the kitchen table, pondering what the hell I needed to do to find single men, when my mom had a brilliant suggestion:

“You should really think about going to church.”

BWAH-hahahahahahahahahaha!! *wipes tears*

That is practically the same principle as why I don’t go to clubs. The only type of men that you will find at clubs are skanky clubby types who just want to hook up with you and then never call again and why am I not at a club right now that’s bad. Likewise, the type of men that I would find at a church that I was going to solely to meet said men would be creepy churchy types who would probably want to wait til marriage for sex and then talk about Jesus in bed and really that wouldn’t get anyone pregnant  in the mood because it’s JESUS and that’s why I don’t have any pictures of holy people in my room except the rosary beads on my bedpost from when I got confirmed because if you remember in the Exorcist, the lady and her daughter were atheists and that’s how the demon knew to possess her and make her do creepy freakin’ crap so just in case there’s a demon prowling around my town, he’ll see my rosary beads and know not to bother. I’m set, thanks Demon.

Other than the largest run-on sentence in the world, my point is that I’m not going to meet the right man if I’m in a situation where I’m not being myself. Being a religiously-constipated Catholic, I don’t feel comfortable talking about Jesus being my buddy and God being awesome and the man for me really wouldn’t be into those things either.

However, around memorial day weekend, Mismatch.com started running a cute little tv commercial of a girl in a pool playing marco polo… with herself! Get it!? She’s a loser and can’t find any female friends to have a cookout with since she doesn’t have a man so she should join Mismatch to get a man and have pool parties! And I’ll be damned if I didn’t think “Hey, I want to have pool parties! So I need a man! And a pool!”

I literally Googled “online dating site comparisons” and was given a handy dandy chart of the various dating sites out there, their cost and their pros and cons. After watching a Dateline special on Dr Helen Fisher, I thought I’d give BioChemistry.com a try.

The rest, as they say, is history.

(Why do “they” say that? And who are “they”? Has nobody else ever wondered this?)

 (PS- if you were paying attention at the beginning of the post, you realize that I am not currently using BioChemistry.com. More on that later.)

*- I am blatantly messing up the names of the dating sites so as not to get sued or infringe copyrights or anything fun like that.

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