What I Learned from “GI Joe”

I was totaly jotting down notes to write this post this morning before I talked to Mom and she read me the review in our local paper that bombed the new GI Joe movie.  The reviewer basically hated everything about it, from plot, to acting, to the special effects.

Ok “Mr I Take Myself Way Too Seriously”… I didn’t go to see GI Joe because I wanted an Oscar-worthy plot, touching acting or to be mentally stimulated. I went because I watched it as a child and I really wanted to see stuff blow up. And Channing Tatum’s abs. Let’s not forget that. So, in order to help Mr Reviewer remove the stick from his ass, I give the following profound things that I learned during my movie-watching experience:

  • Being an evil villain is a tradition that started way back in the 1600s and is passed down in families. Like eye color or cowlicks.
  • It is not remotely impractical to wear a black leather bodysuit to work…on the polar ice cap.
  • No matter how busy a woman may be kicking ass, she will always notice a great pair of shoes.
  • Channing Tatum should be shirtless all the time.
  • It is not remotely gratuitous to include rockets, women kicking the crap out of each other, and ninjas in one fight scene.
  • OR to flash back to when the ninjas were children and were still kicking the crap out of each other.
  • Can you imagine that day on set?
  • And there were camels too. Don’t forget that.
  • The point of launching warheads at Washington and Moscow is NOT to destroy those cities, but to get the President of the US into an underground bunker where he will be replaced with a body double whose appearance was altered by nano-robots injected in his face.
  • Did you follow that?
  • Seriously, I don’t know why that villain was so pissed. He had an underwater city. How cool is that?
  • When I was a Little Brooke, I named my baby blanket Duke. After GI Joe.
  • It did not look remotely like Channing Tatum.
  • “Attraction is an emotion, and emotion are not based on science. If you can’t quantify it then it doesn’t make since and in my mind it doesn’t.”
  • A woman can say that and then totally take it back and fall in love with the cute funny guy after he saves her butt from warheads.
  • The guy who played “Snake Eyes” is the one who played “Darth Maul” in Star Wars Episode I.
  • Knowing is half the battle.
  • Ooo look! Channing Tatum’s abs!
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