Off we went. To say that he set a steady pace would be an understatement. Apparently he was going to show off his distance runner endurance, which was fine with me. I’m not one to back off from a challenge, and am in decent shape. We quickly passed through the town and hit an entrance to a trail. I reflexively checked my cell signal, just in case he WAS going to take me somewhere and kill me. Gotta love Verizon. 4 bars.
As soon as we hit the wooded trail, it got irritating. The initial perk of getting to watch his pretty adorable butt leading the way wore off really quickly. We started heading straight uphill, over plenty of rocks and branches. It was a typical PA night, humid with very little air moving. We were surrounded by trees and close brush. That said, I soon started to get warm. Like, reeeeally warm. Like, sweat dripping down my back warm. The only thing that I could see ahead was a trail leading practically straight up a hill. I tried my absolute hardest to breathe through my nose and not show this jerk that I was starting to get winded.
At this point, I was SERIOUSLY questioning my taste in men. What the hell kind of person drags a woman out in the woods, up a steep trail after just eating dinner!? This damn overlook had better be worth it. We finally hit a flat path, that appeared to circle around the hill up toward the top.
He looked at me quizzically and said “Are you doing all right?”
I punched him in his stupid ass face “Sure,” I said nonchalantly, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the glow of perspiration on my forehead.
“Do you want to take the path around the hill or go straight up?”
“Which will get me home from this date fastest? Might as well keep going at this point.” And up we went. Fortunately, it WAS only another couple of minutes before we reached the top. When I got there, I was surprised to see that we were actually not at an overlook, but in a clearing that contained this-
…. This asshat just dragged me through the woods to look at a 60-foot tall cement penis.
That explains SO much. Can we say ‘compensating’?
He looked at me expectantly. “Ready to go up?”
At this point, I was close to homicidal. “Go up… that??
I am normally not too much of a priss. But I was already feeling sweaty and gross. And as you can see, this thing is a solid cylinder of concrete. The only way up? Ladders. I’m not generally claustrophobic, but I got a momentary glimpse of myself halfway up that thing in the dark freaking right the hell out. Unfortunately, my stubborn pride was still standing at the forefront of my mind yelling “Don’t let this loser know that this freaks you out! Suck it up and show him that you can take anything he’s dishing out!”
Realizing that he was still waiting for an answer, I looked over at him and said “Let’s do this. But you’re going first in case anyone decides to climb down on your head.”
Into the phallic tower we went, Teacher Boy going first up the ladders, me following reluctantly. By that point, the charm of looking at his butt was totally gone and it was all I could do to keep from taking my phone out repeatedly and checking the time. There were 8 metal ladders going up, and I was actually thankful for the dim lighting as I couldn’t see what I was potentially putting my hands in. Come on, everyone’s watched Oprah. Fecal matter galore, people.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I could finally see daylight again, and was equally alarmed by the fact that it was starting to fade rapidly. In spite of that, the view from the tower was pretty remarkable. Three Mile Island was clearly visible from one side, and the surrounding farmland and hills were pristine. The beer spilled on the cement from the last little group of assholes to have been up there only added to the… eh, who am I kidding.
We stayed up there for about 10 mins max before I insisted that we start back down. I did NOT want to be in the woods after it got dark. To my relief, Teacher Boy chose a flatter, more travelled trail to get us back into town. As we walked, the conversation went like this…
Brooke: It’s getting… um… kinda dark…
TB: Oh come on. You can’t tell me that you’re scared.
Brooke: Oh yes I can.
TB: WHY? It’s central PA!
Brooke: Have you ever WATCHED horror movies?
TB: … no.
Brooke: Why not?
TB: I have a vivid imagination. They freak me out.
TB: What, you watch them?
Brooke: NO. Same reason.
TB: There are no chainsaw-wielding maniacs out there.
Brooke: How do you know that!?
TB: People came UP with the idea of chainsaw-wielding maniacs.
Brooke: Exactly!! If people are creepy enough to come up with it, they could totally execute it.
TB: Oh my god!! A Vampire Deer!!!
Brooke: *jumps*…..I hate you.
TB: What. I came up with it. So it should exist.
Brooke: That wasn’t my logic at all.
We got back down the hill with little enough incident, and Teacher Boy gave me a pat on the back as we got to my car.
“You were a trooper”, he said.
Gee, thanks. That means the world to me. TOOL. So basically you just admitted that the whole stupid night was a test to see if I could keep up to your trail-running self. Guess what- that is not fun! I get my exercise in other ways and don’t really care if I “measure up” to your standards of fitness. Rock-hard abs and a perky butt are not everything, you know. If that is one of your “must haves” in a relationship, that’s pretty shallow. Because that perky butt is not going to make conversation with you when you are bored out of your ever-loving mind after 2 years of marriage. Good luck with that.
(No, I did not hear from Teacher Boy again after the torturous, sweaty mountain hike. And no, I’m not bitter, for those that make mistake my sarcasm for pissed-off-ness. I just kinda think that you should save the endurance challenge for another date. And it should involve sex a mutually decided upon activity.)