Baby-zirra!! Aaaah!!

(Apologies right away for my horrible “Godzilla” movie Japanese-impression. Going to hell. Got it.)

Ok, so unless you live under a rock you have heard about the 19-pound baby born today in Indonesia.

You haven’t heard about that?

Really?

Go here, then come back:  http://today.msnbc.com/id/32999499/ns/today-parenting_and_family/

Got that? Do you need to read it again? Because I sure as hell did.

19 FREAKING POUNDS. 2 FEET LONG.

THAT’S LIKE 8 CHIHUAHUAS.

"I just hope that baby doesn't 'quiero Taco Bell'"

"I just hope that baby doesn't 'quiero Taco Bell'"

He was delivered by cesarean, Thank the Sweet Lord and I’m sure that girlybits all over the world gave a sigh of relief when they read/heard that. If they’re making babies like that now, in 2009, and I’m probably at least 3 years from having my own, what size will they come in THEN?!

“Oh, it’s ok,” the article on msnbc.com reassures me. “The biggest baby in the world weighed 23 pounds. You’re good.”

I mean, I was traumatized enough recently when meeting Army Boy’s parents, and his mother casually let it drop that all three of her sons were around 10 pounds at birth. I’m shocked that the whole room didn’t hear my uterus whimper in fear. Not that we’re anywhere NEAR that point. But forewarned is forearmed, or something like that. Right?!

Apparently the size of the baby was caused by the mother’s gestational diabetes, and an overabundance of glucose that the baby received before birth. I totally feel bad for anyone that has to go through that while dealing pregnancy. But seriously, Mother of Babyzilla? Seriously?!

You have terrified a whole generation of potential future mothers. Those of us who were looking at the horizon with a pair of rose colored glasses, eagerly awaiting our chance to bring new life into the world and all that happy-hoopla… No FRICKING way.

I can only come to the conclusion that you were an Octomom wannabe, and upon finding out that you were only pregnant with one baby decided that the only way to show her up was for your child to weigh more than all 8 of hers. You are probably in talks right now for your own Indonesian reality tv show (ps- don’t steal Babyzilla. I’m trademarking it.). Will people stop at NOTHING to be famous?

In other news, a store in Britain is now selling underpants marketed specifically to left-handed men.

*BWAH ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!*

Note: In no way is this entry remotely serious. Babies are miracles. Even 19-pound crotch-busters.

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