…insecure? Yeah, I guess so….

During the Great Nookie Drought of ’07, ’08 and most of ’09, I dated a few guys who didn’t seem remotely interested in my physically. I don’t feel bothered by this- sometimes that “something” just isn’t there.

In the case of Mennonite Boy, I had a suspicion that he may have been socially retarded. Again, don’t think I’m a terrible person and am going to hell. But if it’s part of your culture that men and women have little physical contact until they’re married, and you live that way until you’re 18, it can be hard to change that perception of physical relationships.

He went to a conservative Christian college, and during that time claims to have had some intimate knowledge of a female type person. Which is ironic as they had gender specific dorms and curfews to discourage exactly that type of thing. I thought “whew. Thank the Lord that I will not be responsible for teaching him everything.”

However, after we’d been “seeing each other” for about 2 months and he still hadn’t so much as held my hand, I was feeling a little puzzled. Was he really just that socially awkward, or was he “not that into me”? That led me to have one of the more awkward conversations in my adult life, where I first asked if he was attracted to me (“Yes.”) and if so, why hadn’t he made a move? (“Not sure.”)

Shortly after that talk, we went out again, and because Fate has a sense of humor, had one of the most boring dates I’ve ever been on. The pizza place forgot about us, then ruined our pizza, the movie sucked, etc. At the end, he attempted a clumsy hug and I felt… nothing. Nada. A little skeeved, actually.

During our next phone call I politely let him know that I didn’t think we should continue seeing each other.

I was in a similar situation this year with Armstrong Guy, though not that extreme. I can’t really criticize him- when you meet someone via online dating it really is going out with a total stranger. And though you may have things in common, it’s hard to let your personal space guard down for a while with that person. Things with the two of us seemed to go pretty well, though. We met for a few meals, and seemed to connect conversation wise. At the end of each date, I received a chaste hug.

Ok….

Our fourth date was to a putting course (dammit, I should have known THEN. Putting. Lame.), and out for ice cream after. During our 18 holes, the sky opened up and we were drenched with rain, forcing us to make a beeline for a gazebo and hole up until the storm passed. Should have been a sexy moment… wearing a tank top with one of my new “dateworthy” bras, slightly disheveled… nope. Nothing. Same hug at the end of the night.

I finally got a kiss at the end of the fifth date, but prior to that we’d been at a movie and he’d made no attempt to be physically affectionate in any other way. I was totally feeling the “I’m not attracted to you” vibe.

When he then made the deliberate error of breaking my “phone rules” (ie waiting until a day that we were supposed to get together and texting me at 4pm “we still going to get together today”?—DUMPED), it was almost a relief. I mean, I was disappointed that he had been a pretty nice guy and was relatively attractive, and that once again, things had come to nothing.

But in the long run? I was ok. I knew that I had a “shopping cart” full of men on eDisharmony and could just pick one and start communicating.

My POINT with those stories was that during this time of guys not really being into me, I wasn’t feeling remotely insecure about myself. I am not the most athletic, gym-loving person ever, but I do exercise and take steps to keeping myself in decent shape. I’m a little curvy, but damn having boobs is AWESOME and I don’t want to really go back to my size 4 college anorexia  glory.

Now that I’m actually seriously dating someone, and it’s moving forward… I am terrified. Like, temporarily stupid, speechless and practically wetting myself. At some point in the future, this person is going to want to see. me. naked. And oh my GOD, what if he’s horrified and runs away?! I’ll never get laid! find love!

I’m sure that it was inevitable that I’d come to this point with any guy. Is it this particular person that is making me so nervous? Yeah, he’s in awesome shape and completely adorable. But it feels so irrational- I’m not some shy shrinking violet. I’ve been in a number of mature adult relationships, which involve sex and being naked around each other. Is it just the fact that it’s been so long since the last one, and quite honestly for a few months being a sexual person didn’t cross my mind?

More importantly, I guess I’m wondering if this is “normal” and “usual.” And what can I do about it!?

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One thought on “…insecure? Yeah, I guess so….

  1. Pingback: Online Dating: Where Are They Now?? « Txting Mr Darcy

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