Dear Girl Who Tailgated Me Into the Parking Lot this Am:
I am very sorry that I was not willing to go 50mph in a 30mph zone where there are young children at the daycare 100 yards from our office building. Many of whose parents work in our office building, and whom you would have to face after indiscriminately mowing down said young children.
I am also sorry that I was not willing to pull over and let you pass me so that you could go 60mph in the parking lot to get your lousy spot that was further away than mine.
Furthermore, I am sorry that you probably have a job that sucks more than mine which is why you were in SUCH A FREAKIN HURRY to get in this morning.
Also, your shoes were ugly.
Not Brooke. The Guy who sits directly beside Brooke named Genius Boy.
Dear Woman in the Next Row Coughing Her Guts Out:
GO THE HELL HOME. Keep your Swine Flu to yourself. Have you NOT seen the bajillion signs posted all over the Lego Block of Doom about not coming to work if you’re sick? Can you not read or write? In which case, how do you have a Job?!
Excuse me while I go Lysol my entire body.
Dear People Who Still Have Halloween Candy On Their Desks:
Brooke (who is changing her name to “Tons of Fun” after eating yet another pack of M&Ms.)
Dear People that Stress Me Out to the Point of Self Medicating With M&Ms:
Please go stress out the people who still have Halloween candy on their desks instead. Problem Solved.
“Tons of Fun”
Dear Coconut M&Ms,
I didn’t mean it baby, I’m sorry. Come back to me.
Don’t make me quote Brian Adams to you.
“Pllleeeeeease forgive me, I know not what I do….Pleeeeeease forgive me, I can’t stop lovin’ you…”
Retreating into a Corner of Shame,
Dear Women Who Indiscriminately Take EVERYTHING Off the Printer:
The entire department shares a printer. It only makes sense that when you approach said printer to gather the documents that you have chosen to print, you check and make sure that you are ONLY taking those things which you have printed. As there is no sign on the printer saying “SO AND SOs PRINTER ONLY”, every piece of paper in the tray MAY NOT BE FOR YOU.
Translation: STOP TAKING MY SHIT. IT’S ANNOYING.
Pissy the Tree-Killer
Dear Providers Who Lie on Authorization Forms:
Stop that. We can tell that you are lying. Which does not make us inclined to approve meds for your patient. Who will then be pissed at us for not approving said meds because you LIED.
If you say that your patient has been taking a med since 2007, but they have been with us since January and have not tried to fill said med ONCE, they have not been taking the med since 07. Unless the Magical Drug Fairy has been dropping prescriptions down their chimney once a month. Get it?
Sincerely, Bitchy the Auth Nazi
Dear Patients Who Lie and Tell Their Doctor They’re Taking Meds When They’re Not:
See above. STOP IT.