This is Crap of the Highest Degree. If Crap Can Have Degrees. But Wait, Wouldn’t They Be Low As Crap Is Generally Negative And- Oh Eff It.

This morning I’m sitting in my cubicle (I am so cool and you wish you were me), rocking out to the “Glee” Soundtrack that I downloaded last night (Told you you wish you were me)(or think I’m a massive dork, but I’m too busy listening to choral arrangements of Queen to care so HA), when I start thinking about the Stupidest Song Ever.

It’s a relatively new song, which means it’s getting a ridiculous amount of airplay on my local top 40 station. It is also an unmitigated piece of CRAP. I despise everything about it, and each time I listen, I find something new to say “WTF, why is this on the radio?!” about. Maybe it makes me angry because I HAVE been cheated on in the past. And there’s absolutely nothing lower than that. But then to hear the singer make pathetic excuses and try to make it better because “baby, we meant to be together…” Yeah, not so much, asshat. Learn some grammar and get you and your ugly little mustache outta here.

For mindless Friday entertainment, I am now going to dissect this song. And why it sucks like Elliot Spitzer’s lady friends.

jason-derulo

"Yeah baby, take me back..." NOT.

“What’cha Say” – Jason Derulo

(Are you with me now? Do you recognize the asstastic-ness?) Ahem.Let’s start with the opening. Initially, I was like “Squeee!!! It’s Imogen Heap’s “hide and seek”… Sampled…and sped up…with a hip hop beat? Are you effing kidding me?!” I tend to lean toward the indie pop/rock artists, and this song is one of my favorites. It’s just her, a capella, using a vocoder to harmonize with herself with incredible result. It’s haunting and beautiful and Imogen, sweetie, why’d you sell out to this douche canoe?

Mmmm whatcha say,

Mmm that you only meant well?

Well of course you did

Mmmm whatcha say,

Mmmm that it’s all for the best?

Of course it is

I was so wrong for so long

Only tryin’ to please myself (myself) (dick.)

Girl, I was caught up in her lust (oh, never mind. That’s a completely understandable excuse. How could I be mad?)

When I don’t really want no one else (um, except that you do. Because you banged her.)

So, no I know I should of treated you better (HAVE!!! It’s HAVE! Not OF!)

But me and you were meant to last forever (wait. Didn’t you just admit that you cheated on me? how is that ‘meant to last forever’? Your ass is history, dude.)

So let me in (let me in) give me another chance (another chance)

To really be your man (um, no?)

Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out

I just didn’t know what to do (man up and apologize? And then get your shit out of my apartment before I come after your nuts with a carving knife)

But when I become a star we’ll be living so large

I’ll do anything for you (so, if you achieve success with your mediocre ‘songwriting,’, you’ll take care of me? that’s supposed to negate the fact that you put your penis in some other tramp? Oh, ok, naturally I’ll forgive you with the promise of bling and fancy cars.)

So tell me girl

(butchered chorus that I am taking out, because gaaaaah)

How, could I live with myself

Knowing that I let our love go (love go) (here’s a thought: THINK OF THAT BEFORE YOU HUMP SOMEONE ELSE)

And ooh, when I do with one chance

I just gotta let you know

I know what I did wasn’t clever (thank goodness for ‘no child left behind,’ to nurture geniuses like this)

But me and you we’re meant to be together (oh right, because you keep saying it, I’m convinced.)

So let me in, give me another chance,

To really be your man (just because the Bush administration education system didn’t let you fail 8th grade doesn’t mean you get a freebie in real life.)

Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out

I just didn’t know what to do

But when I become a star we’ll be living so large

I’ll do anything for you (I bet that KFed said the same to Britney. Look how that turned out.)

So tell me girl

(goodbye chorus. Ew ew ew)

Girl, tell me whatcha said (said)

I don’t want you to leave me

Though you caught me cheatin’ (right. Because what you ‘want’ after I ‘caught you cheatin’ really matters to me. good call. I don’t ‘want’ your STDS)

Tell me, tell me whatcha said (I SAID go eff yourself.)

I really need you in my life

Cuz things ain’t right, girl (uh yeah, like your small penis.)

That’s where I’ll stop because everything is just repeated ad nauseam.

My point is this: Any guys out there, if you are thinking about using this song to help get your woman back after you cheat? Don’t bother. That will just guarantee faster emasculation and possible castration.

Girls, if you don’t feel like doing it, lemme know. *noo yawk accent* I got conneck-shuns.

Txtingmrdarcy out, YO.

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9 thoughts on “This is Crap of the Highest Degree. If Crap Can Have Degrees. But Wait, Wouldn’t They Be Low As Crap Is Generally Negative And- Oh Eff It.

    • There is! It’s on iTunes! I havent seen it in “real cd form” yet, but what’s the fun in actually having to go buy a cd when you can get instant gratification from the computer? 😉

  1. The lyrics are terrible I’ll give that to you. Have you heard the acoustic version of this song with him though? If you appreciate R&B musical styled voices you can hear how his original voice towards the end of the song is beautiful. Unfortunately there are way too many artists these days who can sing and simultaneously have sucky lyrics. And honestly, it surprises me how there motivation for these lyrics are the retarded fans who actually like it?!? It’s terrible. Like Mariah Carey? That girl can BLOW (sing really well) … And uh, whoever writes for her is getting paid big money because people like her songs. I don’t understand it. I honestly don’t think people take the time out to really interpret what it is exactly that they’re listening to, they just go with the beat and dance.

    Bad … Good? Idk.

    • I may have to check that out. I can really appreciate when a boy can SING and doesn’t need autotune. I just didn’t like the sampling of one of my fave songs, plus the lyrics about cheating. Like, huh? Welcome, Yo Girl. 🙂

    • Confession: I didnt really interprete this songs lyrics. I got too distracted by Imogen’s part in it cos her part was so beautiful. But after reading that, Im very disturbed by how a song can be so beautiful on the outside, but so friggin ANNOYING and spastic on the inside! Instantly felt like how I do when I find out a guy lied to me. Ugh.

      LOL at the commentary on the song lyrics btw. Havnt laughed that hard in a long time 🙂

  2. Lol i do this to every new “hip” song. I listen to it and complain about the grammar and just get disgusted at what they can get away (content wise). Hahaha i had the same reaction you did when I heard this.
    Also, GLEE frecken rocks! Im glad its back on after that LONG break.

  3. No freaking kidding. Do you know what MST3K is? The show where they take bad movies and voice over with snarky comments? That’s what I do in my head to songs like this.

    Speaking of “in my head,” if you haven’t heard that song by our lovely Jason Derulo…just don’t. The theme? “Hey girl, in my head, you and me are gettin’ it onnn.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but to me that is just about the worst pick-up line ever.

    Sigh.

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