Everyone Basically Wants Me to Get the Flu. And by “Everyone” I Mean “My Employer.”

As I sit here, thinking of creative ways to kill time that don’t involve a: nudity, b: starting fires, or c: putting chocolate in my mouth, I’m forced to ponder the fact that this will probably be my last winter on Earth.

Let’s face it. There’s a BIG SCARY THING out there right now called “Swine Flu,” and people are apparently running around and licking each other’s faces to spread it at an alarming rate. Resulting in school closures, daycare pandemics and decreased productivity in the work-place.

Which is why it makes A TON of sense for my employer to offer free regular flu shots. And then NOT EVER GIVE THEM. Because of a “shortage.” Oh, and not cover them should we decide to go elsewhere to get them. While our other Big Insurance Company locations have already gotten theirs.

Translation: That makes no effing sense.  And that they hate the Medicare Team.

My doctor’s office has a waiting list for flu shots. The local retail pharmacies that offer flu clinics are OUT. Basically, I am screwed. I am going to start writing my Will shortly.

The scary thing is that I can hear it moving though the Lego Block of Doom. Two weeks ago, there was a woman at the end of the next row hacking her face off. Now, it’s moved up 3 seats and attacked our department. They tell us “Don’t come to work if you’re coughing and have a fever!” “Just stay home!” But do you know how many people actually listen to that advice? None. All come in, bringing their plague and snot and droplets of disease-infected doom because “I used all my sick days.” “I can’t afford the occurrence.” “My dog ate my flu shot.”

And now I need to figure out how to get an H1N1 vaccine on top of the regular flu shot (thatididn’tgetsonsofbitches). Except that there are all kinds of “qualifications” for that as well. And more shortages. But I qualify! Asthma! Underlying medical condition! Just tell me where to go so that I can get stabbed, for the love of all that is holy!!??

As annoying as the constant news reports are about “new cases!” and “outbreaks!”, it can’t be ignored that there is a nasty bug out there. But they need to stop making a huge-ass deal about it if those who want to be proactive about their health are screwed. Instead, I suggest the following:

Local News Reporter (with Bad Hair, 80’s Shoulder Pads and Pancake Makeup)(Because that’s how we roll in central PA): And now tonight’s Top Story: Swine Flu! Oh well. You’re going to get it. We’re wildly unprepared, and there’s no point in attempting to get vaccinated because you will be thwarted at every turn. We suggest investing in little surgical masks, Tylenol, and a lot of Gatorade, and buckling down for the worst. On to the next story: Runaway Cows hit a local shopping center. Off to our reporter on the scene…

My God. The Coughing? It. Is. Everywhere.

*hides under desk attempting not to breathe in Tha Germz*


AB: How’s your day going?

Brooke: Good- quiet again. And it kinda sounds like Courtney has Swine Flu.

AB: ARGH. Gotta get you to Bath & Body Works for some more antibacterials.

Brooke: Seriously. Since I wasn’t invited to get ANY flu shot.

AB: Let’s try to get you one at CVS or something

Brooke: Unless THEY’RE out too. Bastards. I’m just going to write my will today.

AB: Remember, I LOVE YOU. Hahaha

Brooke: Ok fine. You can have the iPod. And the DS. And anything else cool I have, which isn’t much.

AB: I know that the Uglies will want to have a funeral for you. Will me Post-it Notes.

Brooke: If I wasn’t already keeping you, that would do it. Right there.


7 thoughts on “Everyone Basically Wants Me to Get the Flu. And by “Everyone” I Mean “My Employer.”

  1. That’s what happened at my firm too!! But I don’t get vaccines. That’s how I roll.

    The other day, I was at my hip hop class. And this woman was talking loudly and said in a rather disturbingly cheery voice, “I had swine flu last week!”

    What the fuck are you doing here spreading your friggin’ germs everywhere, lady!

  2. I haven’t gotten a flu shot yet either. I also accompanied my mom to a doctor’s appointment and my brother to a doctor’s appointment. I loaded up on antibacterial gel, but I fear I am doomed. Haha. Actually, the only time I have ever gotten the flu badly in the past couple of years was the one time I received a shot. Go figure.

    • For some reason, this year I keep getting random ailments (migraine, busted foot) that require trips to the doctor. I don’t know how I’ve managed to not catch it yet.

  3. Pingback: Tales From the Frat House, Act III « Txting Mr Darcy

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