What Left Handed Kids Do To Help With Thanksgiving

While the residents of the US are getting ready for their annual holiday of overeating and family bitching  drama  fun, I thought I’d share the role that I get to play in our annual Thanksgiving celebrations.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m domestically disabled. And left-handed. And my mom? Amazing cook. She’s super organized, has the meal planned out weeks in advance and has methodically shopped for everything. She usually cooks for two full days in order to have everything ready for The Big Meal. Also. I work. Right up until evening the day before. Making me practically useless in the kitchen department.

When we have other family members coming to celebrate the joyous occasion with us, they’ll each contribute something to the meal as well, such as an appetizer or dessert.

Leaving me to do? Absolutely Squat. Or as I like to refer to them, the “Special Jobs.”

My contributions to our holiday feast this year (and most years in the past) are as follows:

Dusting: Yup. Making sure that the house is sparkling clean because certain family members (I am not naming names) are slightly anal and may or may not carry around white gloves in their purses.

Washing a few bathrooms: See above. And Damn, I am a champion at washing the bathroom.

Folding A LOT of dishtowels: Mucho cooking = mucho drying of dishes = mucho laundry = something not involving sharp objects! Oooo! Brooke can do this.

Crescent Rolls: Rolling dough triangles into crescents. Not exactly rocket science. But definitely an important addition to the meal.

Stuffed Celery: Cut up celery (OH NO! SHARP OBJECTS!) Have celery precut. Fill with cream cheese. Sprinkle with paprika for color. Arrange on pretty plate. Goes well with little dishes of olives, pickles, etc. that guests graze on before dinner.*

Stuffed Dates: Take preshelled walnuts, chop in half. (YES! I get to use a KNIFE for this one! BIG GIRL!). Split dates with tip of knife, insert walnut. Roll in sugar. Arrange on pretty plate. Good for nomming before the meal, or breakfast the next day.*

The Placecards: Yeah, damn right. Using my glorious left-handed scrawl, I am given the important task of designating the places. This year, I stuck with all caps to look less drunk. We do it up Martha Stewart style at my house.

So, think of me tonight as you do real Thanksgiving tasks that involve, ya know… cooking… And know that it’s really for the best.

Happy Turkey Day to All! ***

*- Both of these activities must be done while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, because SANTA!!! OMG MOM! SANTA!**

**- Also for The Rockettes. Skinny bitches.

***- As I plan to be in a food-induced/holiday shopping related coma for the weekend, I make no promises about posting. But it’s ok. You will be spending time not reading blogs anyway.


4 thoughts on “What Left Handed Kids Do To Help With Thanksgiving

  1. You have more responsibilities than me! I, um, cleared the table. Oh, and opened a bottle of wine. Then again, we did order the food (minimal cooking). So, I guess I wasn’t completely useless compared to everyone else. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!

  2. Can I please please have your job?!? I cooked for 7 hours on Wed. and then cooked some more on Thanksgiving. My siblings also made a couple dishes, but I had to supervise on Thanksgiving or else food would not have been on the table hot or on time.

    So be thankful that you are domestically disabled and left handed. That’s what thanksgiving is all about…giving thanks for these kinds of things.

  3. I’m not left -handed but I certainly qualify as “domestically disabled”! And hey, I think you could make a mint off of that saying!

    Still though, despite my obvious disabilities, I managed to pull off a completely edible Thanksgiving meal and no one came down with food poisoning…this year.

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