So hey, it’s December… When did that happen? (If you say “yesterday,” I swear to Gawd you’re getting punched in the mouth. I’m just in that sort of mood.) All of a sudden houses are decorated with lights and various inflatables, and I’m passing trucks hauling Christmas trees on the highway. Must admit, I’m slightly tempted to try to pull a Chevy Chase and drive my little Ford Focus under one, and see how long it takes for me to get totally freaked out and swerve off the road into a snowbank. Which we don’t have yet.
This week is hellacious, and I can’t promise anything until after Sunday. Why? Because I am an attention whore and have only child syndrome LOOKATMELOOKATME! have 3 concerts this weekend, wherein I will spread the Holiday Cheer like it’s my job, and then collapse into an exhausted heap by Sunday evening.
Instead of being a total slacker and disappearing until then, I present a brief summary of the month thus far:
Best Thing That Happened: Army Boy’s Dad kicked the crap out of open heart surgery. Boo-yah!
Stupidest Thing I Did: Dropped off my Singers dress to be dry-cleaned and didn’t specify a pickup date. Mom volunteered to pick it up, only to be told it would be ready NEXT Tuesday. After the concerts. Which I will be attending naked.
Thing That Made Me Pee My Pants: See Above
Thing That Turned Out Surprisingly Well: My dress was actually already finished. They just had to re-attach the stupidass pretty sparkly bosom ornament.
Thing I Should Have Done: Stabbed Army Boy’s ex after she texted insisting that he fill her in on his Dad’s Condition. And checked the date on my dry-cleaning ticket. Mostly the first part though.
Best Thing Army Boy Did Yesterday: Deleted that effing message. Without responding. And was adorable. But mostly the first part. Again.
New Obsession: Etsy. Now that I’m thinking apartments, I’m thinking decorations and furnishings. And hello, amazing handcrafted tableware and original photographs!
Thing That REALLY Pissed Me Off: A doctor demanding a member’s explanation of benefits because they think we’re assholes and wouldn’t tell them that we’re pulling drugs from the formulary.
Thing That Was Freakin AWESOME: Getting to send that doctor a reprint of the letter that went to the member in August, with a polite, handwritten message that translated to “Suck It, Bitch.”
Thing I Really Want To Do: The Great Interview Project But I am still insecure about being The Nerdy Kid in high school and am terrified that if I add my name that nobody will want to interview me and the chain will stop.
Weirdest Dream I’ve Had This Month: Someone stole my identity published a book about my blog. Something called “Wisdom from TxtingMrDarcy.” And TJ Maxx had the exclusive rights and was pimping it all over the store. Where I desperately tried to convince employees “That’s ME! See the picture on the blog!” And nobody would believe me.