Yesterday, I made a fabulous discovery. By “fabulous” I mean “basically nauseating and mostly really irritating, kinda like a hemorrhoid.” For the first time since we broke up in 2007, my ex had “unblocked” me.
Before you stop to think, “Wow, Crazytrain. Were you checking his page every day to see if you could access it?” NO. I wasn’t. We were, however, set up by mutual friends who thought we’d be perfect together. We were for a while, and then when we broke up, said ‘mutual friends’ decided to pick sides.
(Note: Yes, I do have a spine. After this discovery, I proceeded to block each and every one of them. Bitchez. You know who you are.)
While I couldn’t see the majority of The Ex’s profile (Facebook… just whatever), I was able to access his photo albums. Hoping to spy some kind of pics of him with a new girlfriend (preferably one less hot than myself, obvs), I clicked away. Only to be greeted with THIS:
Though it’s been 2 years, and I have no idea if it was actually personally directed toward me or not, I was immediately fired up. True, this guy thought that every single second was an opportunity to be making jokes, which could be wicked exhausting. It’s possible he was just using that “photo op” as a chance to be “witty.” But when you are one of said Exes? Not funny.
I did what any self-assured, mature woman would do- Emailed Danielle immediately.
“Show me what he looks like!!” Came the reply. I picked out a photo of him, and forwarded that as well.
“Oh hon, you so traded up with Army Boy.” (Why do women ALWAYS say the right thing?)
“You know, you’re right…” I was forced to agree. “Actually… I’ve dated A LOT of trainwrecks.”
“Nooooo,” she began.
“Here, I’ll show you!!” I offered, and raced to Facebook where I proceeded to construct the following masterpiece:
Because while I am an asshole, I am not a complete and total asshole, I have minimally censored the pics. But let it suffice to say that image contains cheaters, douchebags, and online dating FAILZ galore.
It inspired/amused Danielle so much, she decided to make her own.
While I am highly doubting that any of Danielle’s exes read my blog, it can’t hurt to have a bit of discretion. Shit, one of my readers could be married to one of our various and sundry conquests.
Honestly, the whole project was two-fold. It let me see how far I’d come from my early dating days in high school and college. And also showed me that STANDARDS ARE IMPORTANT, DAMMIT. I really wish that I could go back and talk to the College Brooke, who was sometimes so extremely sad from rejection by some of the jerks in that picture, and tell her “Look. Your life is going to be rich, and sparkling and awesome. Just breathe.”