Last night I was out to dinner with Army Boy and some of the men he served with, when the “crazy chick” stories started coming out. We had just finished our wings (Which, Girls? When meeting some of the boyfriend’s friends for the first time? Be smart. Just get the damn wrap already. Because there is NO PRETTY WAY to eat wings. No matter how delicious they might look. And everyone knows that the only thing that really matters is looking hot in front of your boyfriend’s brothers-in-arms. Not whether you are a nice person or some shit.) and begun the “catching up” portion of the evening, when I heard it for the first time.
“Man, she was CRAZY. No, I mean it. CRAZY.”
Seriously, my attention was grabbed faster than Tila Tequila hogging the spotlight about Casey Johnson’s death. (Oooooh, I went there. Bee-yotch!)
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that previous sentence in regards to someone’s ex. It’s like every guy in the world has dated at least one chick that was certifiably batshit insane.
If that is the case, I am effing scared. Let me tell you. I mean, at that table alone there were 4 guys. And one of them spoke of at least two girls that were “CRAAAAZY”…. So that’s 5. Five psychos roaming around central PA in the general vicinity of me. My last ex, Jazz Guy (who inspired me to make the beautiful collage last month) claimed that his girlfriend prior to me was “a total nutjob,” so that makes six.
What I’m trying to say is that with all of the crazies out there, it’s a miracle that I don’t get stabbed at the grocery store. Or clocked with a sock full of quarters in the cafeteria at work. Or in a fist fight at Singers rehearsal.
The way men make it sound, there are a boatload of absolute whackjobs coexisting with normal people in modern society. They’re almost like superheroes. You don’t know their power of hellacious bitchdom until you don’t call when you’re supposed to or ignore a text and suddenly this she-devil shows up banging on your door in the middle of the night…
It’s just more likely that men are Neanderthals and unable to voice exactly what was wrong in each of their failed relationships. Girl A was clingy, so “crazy.” Girl B held him accountable for his bad behavior, so “crazy.” Girl C… Let’s give the boys a little credit. Maybe Girl C was a little unbalanced. Seriously, what are the odds that every guy you know would have dated at least one girl that was legitimately crazy.
I will be the first to admit that we all have a little voice in our heads that tells us to do stupid irrational things. More often than not, the little voice is right to a certain extent. Like the time in college it insisted that I ignore Tuba Guy* when he said he was ‘going to bed’ at 9pm, and go see what he was really up to. Which was taking another girl out for dinner. Bastard.
Though the crazy-voice was right that time, I quickly learned to distinguish when it’s being a legitimate “little voice” (thus of reason and not of tha krazy) and when it’s being irrational. Like, oh, last night. When I was really missing Army Boy and a little worried after our boozing with the buds and the fact that the divorce was final and OMG what if he decided to have one last round of pity-sex with the cheating-hoor ex-wife and—
See? Crazy. But I said “Shut up, you! Am rational mature woman and Army Boy is far too good for that shit.” And fell asleep.
Brooke: 1. Crazyvoice: 0
Wait. Did I totally just disprove my whole point of this entry? Are all women just a little bit crazy, and it’s just a matter of telling that Little Crazy Voice to stuff it at the proper time?!
Oh and btw, Yes. The Divorce is DONE. FINAL. FINI. Please have a glass of wine in my honor, or if you do not drink something appropriately celebratory.
(See what I did there? Totally distracted you from the fact that I blew my whole entry out of the water by proving guys right. DAMMIT. Where’s the chocolate.)
*- That has gotta be the LEAST sexy nickname I’ve ever used. Heh heh heh