There’s No Place Like Home… No Really, Apartment Hunting Kinda Sucks

I realized that a lot of my blogging is the way that I think: Stream-of-consciousness style. And from reading the blogs that I like best, I’ve found that might not be the way to go. Yes, there’s a lot to be said for being witty and keeping your readers coming back day after day to see what kind of crazy shit you’re getting into now, but it’s also important to keep in mind what blogging really is: your life story, told in your own (mis-spelled, grammatically incorrect and full of profanity and made up words) way.

That said, I’ll try to make an effort to be more cohesive in my writing. For example, if I say “Army Boy and I are getting an apartment,” I won’t then go two months without mentioning a stinking thing about it.

Initially, a lot of my writing was tempered by what was going on and a need for subtlety. First there was online dating. Then there was Army Boy, and his divorce. Though it consumed a lot of my thoughts, I tried really hard not to write about it because it was HIS life. I didn’t want to inadvertently be disrespectful to him by venting about a particularly shitty day we’d had in regards to his Ex. Trust me. There were a lot of those days. And not turning to the Internet to whine and look for sympathy about “wah wah crazywhorebitch wah!” was really hard.

My point is this (Yay! She’s finally getting to it, already!): Here’s how the apartment hunt is going so far. Told entirely from the point of view of Brooke and Army Boy’s inner monologues. And assuming that we’re telepathic.

Option One: Brand New and Ridiculously Overpriced

Brooke: Oooo! Shiny New Building! No Germz! Like!

AB: *skeptical*

Real Estate Lady: *opens door, Ta Da!*

Brooke: …where’s the rest of it?

AB: (out loud) So, tell me about the gas heat, and how we’ll be charged for it…

R. E. L.: (also out loud) Like, uh, I dunno?

AB: Grrr. *refrains from asking any more questions ever because lady is clearly incompetent*

Brooke: *looking at kitchen* Wow… this is… wee…little…

AB: Closets? Anyone? No?

Brooke: NEXT.

Option Two: Brand New, Ridiculously Overpriced, Version 2.0

R.E.L: (out loud) This is the other unit available, and it’s handicapped accessible blah blah blah…

Brooke: Is bigger. Good.

AB: Closets? Anyone? Bueller?


AB: Oh, closet! Oh, water heater in closet. Hmmm.

Brooke: Bathroom… No TUB? Fail.


Option 3: Older, Two Story. Not Ridiculously Overpriced

R.E.L: (out loud) Obviously this one is very spacious blah blah blah…



Brooke: No dishwasher?

AB: Questionable carpet stains?

Brooke: (out loud) Now, you mentioned that these were getting refreshed when the last tenant moved out?

R.E.L: (out loud) Yes, this got new paint. Look! Creepy Attic!

AB: Carpet stains staying. EW.

Brooke. Creepy Attic. EW.

Option 4: Older, Two Story, w/Basement

R.E.L: (out loud) So you can see that this layout is similar to the other one, but different.

Brooke: *giggle*

AB: BASEMENT! Grrr, manspace!

Brooke: Did someone die in this kitchen?

AB: New carpets.

R.E.L: (out loud) And if we look out front *opens door*, you can see that there’s room for you to plant some flowers…

Brooke: *looks out. Traffic whizzes by 5 inches away* UH-UH.

AB: Blah.

Brooke: Meh.

AB: Next?

(Insert hours, and wine… )

Brooke: Let’s go look at a house.

AB: Houses are good.

Brooke: Really, we are old and should have a house.

AB: Yeah. Screw apartments.

Brooke: EFF em.


(cue the 3 going to the next neighborhood over, where—)

(*insert heavenly angel choir and golden rays of light*)

AB: WANT. Garagewalkoutbasementmanspace. NOM.

Brooke: WANT. Hardwoodfloorsneutralcolors3bedrooms. NOM.

Brooke’s Mom: Yay! More Wine!

And that is how we ended up with an appointment to look at our first house.

I mean, it makes sense, right? We are both in our late 20s. And it’s an awesome time to buy. Before Army Boy, my plan was to buy a house in 2010, but the plan was also to move in with myself and my 90 imaginary cats. Not with a Real! Live! Man! While living together in an apartment would make perfect sense and prepare us for the eventuality of getting our own house, it would also be at least a year, possibly more, when we could be SAVING that rent money or using it toward a mortgage.

It’s just a sudden change of pace. And for some reason I don’t do well with that. I have this mental picture of going to the bank to apply for a mortgage, and the Imposing Person Behind the Desk saying something like “Hahaha, you are too silly and poor for this, silly poor girl!” or “No! I will not give you a mortgage because this is Central PA and we frown on people like you who Live In Sin!”

More Wine?



One thought on “There’s No Place Like Home… No Really, Apartment Hunting Kinda Sucks

  1. Haha! I like you and AB’s different reactions to the apartments. “Grrr manspace1” Yeah, a house is definitely the way to go. Big step, Brook! You’re growing up!

    After a year of blogging, I am still trying to find my writing style. It’ll take a while.

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