Why I No Longer Work For The Discovery Channel

The other night while ironing, I flipped on the tv to distract myself from the monotony. (Probably not a good idea for someone accident prone, as, well hello. Iron. Hot. Burnz. Didn’t happen though. *pats self on back*)(Wait, what I was I saying? Oh, right. TV.) I decided on “Planet Earth,” because it was one of the rare times that I had the tv to myself, could flip on the Bose system and enjoy the series as it was meant to be enjoyed.

Because ironing, not burning myself and watching lions stalk oryx (oryxes? Oryxii?) through the desert wasn’t enough to keep my mind occupied, I found my mind wandering to a hypothetical scenario. Namely, what was it like in the meeting over five years ago when Discovery informed its staff that they were going to embark on “Planet Earth”? And honestly, what if I’d been there? Let’s set aside the fact that it would be practically impossible, as I was a college freshman at the time.

(The scene- a random conference room at Discovery Channel Headquarters. Makes them sound very top-secret and James Bond-ish. Moving on. The table is surrounded by a bunch of Discovery camera-people, all “earthy” types in various khaki ensembles. Except for Brooke. Who is in a bright pink hoodie and Red Sox hat. Giving every impression of being a total girly girl and wondering why the guy next to her smells like he hasn’t showered in 6 months.)(Here’s a clue: he hasn’t.)

(Discovery Channel Boss, who we will call Bob, gets the attention of the group by doing a perfect moose-call.)

Bob: Good Morning, my intrepid explorers and documenters of all that is Nature!

All: Good Morning, Bob!

(Brooke raises an eyebrow)

Bob: I’ve called you here today to discuss a new project that we’ve gotten the greenlight for. I’m EXTREMELY EXCITED about it- it’s going to make history! Are you ready to hear what it is??

All: Yeah! Sweet! Gnarly! Etc.

Bob: We are going to embark upon a FIVE year project to make the most comprehensive and amazing documentary about our planet ever. And we shall call it…

(All lean forward in anticipation)

Bob:…. Planet Earth!

Other Camerapeople: *wild applause!*

Brooke: *snorts*

(Others look at her with confusion, then return their attention to Bob.)

Bob: I’m going to assign each of you a locale and subject which will become your life for the next four years…

Brooke: Uh, hello? Four years? My biological clock will so be ticking by then.

Random Cameraperson One: Shut UP. God, who hired her anyway?

Brooke: Whatever. You haven’t had sex in like, 12 years and spend all your time in Siberia. Jealous much?

RCP 1: *gives her the finger*

Bob: Ok, now, I know we’re EXCITED, but we really need to get these assignments out so we can start MAKING HISTORY!

Camerapeople: Yeah! Get on with it!

Bob: Now, Nigel. Since you’re our most experienced vet here, I’m giving you the most difficult assignment: I want you to film Bactrian camels in the Gobi Desert.

Nigel: (who is obviously wearing all khaki, including underwear and speaks in an Australian accent for street cred) That’s bloody impossible!

Bob: But you’re the best. So you’re doing it.

Brooke: Yo, I’ll do it.

Bob: (ignores her) Next, Catalina- (he gestures to an exotic and voluptuous dark-haired beauty who oozes sex appeal and “don’t fuck with me”-ness. And somehow does all this while wearing Gore Tex) – you’ll be heading to Africa to capture lions killing an elephant-

Camerapeople: Oh yawn, that’s been done.

Bob: — At NIGHT.

Camerapeople: NO EFFIN WAY!!

Bob: Yeah, I know. I’m a fucking genius. ANYWAY, Esteban.

Esteban: (a latin-lover type. Possibly gay) I am so full of excitement. Where would you send me, oh brilliant leader?

Bob: Ok, A: still not sleeping with you. B: you’re filming a piranhas. In a feeding frenzy. From IN the water.

Esteban: *squeals!* But what about my handsome face?!

Brooke: Yo, I’ll do it.

Bob: *ignores her some more* Blah blah more assignments for everyone blah…

(Brooke takes out a GameBoy and starts playing Tetris.)

Bob: … and FINALLY, Brooke.

Brooke: I’m ready for my close-up, Boss.

Bob: We saved a special one for you. Your assignment is…

Brooke: *rising from chair in anticipation*

Bob: To film a plague of Locusts!!!

Brooke: *jaw drops*

Other Camerapeople: We R Jelus!

Brooke: Wait, LOCUSTS? Like, grasshoppers? That are crawly and clicky and nasty as hell?!

Bob: The very same!

Camerapeople: We love nasty as hell!

Brooke: Ok y’all, shut up. For serious. Nigel gets to film a super-secret species nobody’s ever seen. Catalina is going to rock it on the African plains. And Esteban is going to be totally badass filming pirhanas. And I got LOCUSTS?!

Bob: Well, ya know. Starting at the bottom and all that.

Brooke: This is BULL. SHIT.

Camerapeople: Oooo! We love Bull shit!

Brooke: My god, you guys are such toolbags. Yeah, about this. I’m not going to do that.

Bob: What do you mean, “not going to do that?” You’re not interested in making history??

Brooke: My last assignment was collecting guano from bat caves. The one before that was milking rattlesnakes. Shit. Poison. Creepy bugs. Are you noticing a pattern? I keep getting terrible jobs. This is so not what I signed up for. *stands to leave*

Bob: Are you sure?! I mean, this is going to be MIND-BLOWING!

Brooke: Please stop talking in all caps. And also, I HATE khaki.

(She leaves. End scene.)

Some Other Suckah Filmed This.

(Side note: After the fact I discovered that Planet Earth was in fact commissioned by BBC One. That totally ruins my mental scenario, because obviously British camera people would probably be exceedingly polite, drinking tea and wearing tweed. Not really. I’m just offensive. )

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