Once Upon A Time…
There was a handsome Prince and a cute (but more importantly wise and witty) Princess. They were disgustingly happy and lovely, and everything that fairy tale couples should be.
One day, they decided that they were going to take the next step, and buy a brand new Castle. Surely, this was a great decision, and all the Good Fairies in the Kingdom would smile upon them!
After a brief search, they located the perfect new Castle for them. They were in love with its warm 1950s architecture, glossy hardwood floors and impeccable brick exterior. “Let us rejoice and yadda yadda! We shall make this Castle our own!” they announced, to nobody in particular.
They enlisted the help of two noble Knights to aid them in their quest for the Castle. The Knight of Realty was thoughtful and brave, and undertook his challenge with enthusiasm and dignity. The Knight of the Mortgage was jolly and basically Seth Rogen. Circa “Knocked Up.” The Prince and Princess felt that they had made the wise choice when assembling their team, and trusted the brave Knights to go forth and conquer.
Unfortunately, elsewhere in the Kingdom was a Wicked Bad Bitch Underwriter Fairy. She had woken up on the WRONG side of the bed. She had just been stood up for a date by another Underwriter Fairy. She had PMS. Whatever the reason, she did not feel like being particularly generous in her duties. When she received the application for the Prince and Princess’s castle, from the Knight of the Mortgage, she realized that she could really eff them over.
“Excellent,” she cackled. “There is nothing that makes me happier than making others UN-happy!”
She set forth on a campaign of Badness that would have the Prince running all over the Kingdom looking for paperwork, and the Princess biting her nails and using all of the Kingdom’s dirtiest words in frustration. Her demands became more picky and invasive, and the Prince and Princess had no choice but to fulfill her requests.
As the days ticked by, and the time got shorter until they were due to close on the New Castle, the Prince and Princess had a sense of foreboding. Surely this Bad Fairy wouldn’t continue to refuse them her magic signature until the very last minute! They had been accomodating! They had sent over Army Boy’s POSTNUPTIAL agreement to prove where a portion of their savings had come from. They had kissed some Fairy Ass over a document discrepancy regarding the Princess’s address being “Magic ROAD” and “Magic AVE.”
The Bad Fairy continued to cackle and stir her cauldron of evil, and refused to release the gold for the Prince and Princess’s castle.
As the clock ticked down to the magical Closing Time, the Prince and Princess still hadn’t received a positive answer from the Knight of the Mortgage. The Knight of Realty was practically beside himself with worry, but there was nothing they could do…
The clock struck Three on Closing Day, and there was Still. No. Mortgage. The Prince and Princess were ANGRY. But they were helpless. The Knight of Realty ran around the Kingdom and made many special arrangements to allow them certain access to their Castle, pending the rescheduled closing.
A mere TWO HOURS after the Magical Closing Hour, the paperwork was prepared and the Bad Underwriter Fairy signed off on her end of the deal. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth throughout the Kingdom, but alas. The day had passed. The Closing would have to be rescheduled.
The Prince and Princess were forced to stay with the Princess’s parents, a wise King and Queen in the neighboring Kingdom. There, they drank many potions that made them not worry so much about the Failed Closing.
Thanks to the Knight of Realty, who had made special arrangements with the Seller of the Castle, they were able to get in with a little army of cheerful animal friends and make the Castle spic-and-span before the New Magical Closing Time on Monday. Actually, there were no animal friends. Just the Prince, Princess, Queen and King working their asses off. They scrubbed floors, washed windows, and the Princess herself spent FOUR HOURS cleaning the Royal Privy.
To Be Continued…
(The Princess is still effing tired. And going back to WORK tomorrow. Silly, silly Princess.)