Seriously. When God Distributed Feminine Trickery, He Skipped Me Completely.

On occasion, I am a little masochistic and find it fun to use Facebook to check up on exes. Don’t judge, I know that you totally do it too. It’s part of the duplicitous nature of the beast- it’s great for keeping in touch with people, but is practically begging you to indulge in the stalkery side of your nature.

No, it’s not just me. Don’t look at me like that.

Sometimes I get a little assistance in this unhealthiness from either my Mom, or Danielle, who find it slightly fascinating to look at the page of Army Boy’s trainwrecky Ex. I have her blocked, for the sake of privacy, but have on occasion unblocked because of rabid curiosity. I know it’s not healthy. I think it’s some kind of ingrained evil streak in the human brain to be fascinated with people that cause us pain. You can’t help but be curious about that Ex that cheated on you and broke your heart. Or the bully who made your life hellish for a year.

Maybe it’s a part of Karma- looking to see that what goes around has finally come around for those people, and they’re as miserable as they caused you to be.

Or Schadenfreude- joy at the expense of others’ suffering.

In any event, the shallow evil part of my brain that I’m not proud of occasionally likes to see how well (or not) others are doing.

Today, Danielle got curious and decided to check up on Trainwrecky Ex.

“OMG, she has a new boyfriend,” she messaged back a few minutes ago, cutting and pasting some excerpts from her facebook wall. Including the following:

I may have taken some creative liberties with this image.

Apparently she is in a new relationship. New as in aside from the TWO men that she cheated on Army Boy with. (See why I haven’t discussed this much? It is difficult for me to hold back the spew of HATRED that comes out.)

But to see that? That utter BULLSHIT? “Thank you GOD?”

Give me an effing break. “Rage” is not an adequate word.

It never fails to amaze me how people can be such stinking hypocrites… Bringing up their supposed Christianity at the times when it’s most convenient for them.

Although somehow she forgot to mention in that nauseatingly sweet little message how she lied her way through marriage counseling and took wedding vows to a man without telling him that she was cheating on him and planned to continue doing so. And then would divorce that man and demand EVERYTHING including the house which he had bought with his life savings.

No really. She is one evil, spoiled child. Not sorry.

I know that it makes me a smaller, angrier person when I give in to this curiosity and then when I get bitter at what I see. That smaller, angrier part of me not-so-secretly wants her to be miserable. I want her karma to catch up with her and all of the hurtful things that she’s done in the last years to come back on her multiplied.

“Now Brooke,” you are saying, shaking your head. “You wouldn’t know if you had just been the bigger person and not snooped.”

I knoooooooow that. And do not claim to be saintly or perfect. Hence why there are no little letters to God on my Facebook wall. But here’s the thing: my relationship with God is a: private. And b: a direct reflection of the way that I choose to treat others and allow them to treat me. It is not a matter of lip service or pretension or labels. Just because I am a “Christian” doesn’t automatically make me better than anyone else or immune to scorn for my atrociously bad behavior (not mine exactly. Hers. I am being hypothetical. And still hateful.)

Wow. Somehow this post went from a matter of “haha, I am sneaky girl” to “blah blah theologypants blah.”

MY REAL POINT (yes, I hear you saying “get to it already!”), was that I am also not good at the whole being sneaky thing.

So much so, that when I got an innocent txt from Army Boy over lunch, asking how my morning was, my response was totally “GOOD HAHA DID NOT STALK YOUR EX ON FACEBOOK HAHA YEAH TOTALLY DID.”

Not in all caps of course, that was just for emphasis of my stupidity. Lack of punctuation? Maybe.

Here’s the other thing: I’m not proud of my stalkage, and even less so when it could make me look like a bitter, petty person to the man I love. In a perfect world, he would never know that his current housemate is so profoundly Human. I still want to project the “extremely mature and secure in myself” image. To keep him fooled a little while longer, yanno?

Fortunately, he was as curious as I was. And when I promised to show him some of the recent developments later tonight, gave me permission to set her on fire.

We really are perfect together. 😉


5 thoughts on “Seriously. When God Distributed Feminine Trickery, He Skipped Me Completely.

  1. Facebook is made for stalkers, so you are using it in a perfectly appropriate way. 😉

    I hate when people put shit like that on their walls. I mean, come on! Facebook walls are not a place to thank God or share revelations about your life. It’s just weird.

    • I totally agree with you, Tara. I was mostly upset about how she does the “i’m so christian” thing when convenient, overlooking the fact that she lied about “til death do us part.” AND feels entitled to be happy. Again, with the small bitter self thing.

  2. As you stated, it’s not like you started the post out by saying you woke up this morning and God told you that you should stalk his ex and be bitter. Besides, I think a little public roasting is totally deserved of this she-devil. What a bitch!

    However, I will just play devil’s advocate and point out, the bitch played her cards all wrong and now you have the house, the man and she has the freaky post on facebook! So, all in all, you score big, stalking or not!

    • Mwah ha ha. I DO tell my wicked self that. But is a LIIIIITTLE flesh-eating bacteria or facial syphillis too much to ask?

  3. Pingback: Emotional Potpourri « Txting Mr Darcy

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