Penises, Sperm and Douching in One Post. My Mom Will Be So Proud.

One of the things that really attracted me to Army Boy right away was his bluntly honest desire to have a family. He’s two years older than I, and thought that he was already on the right track to achieving this. Yanno, with the whole “being in a relationship for 6 years” and the whole “getting married”…

After the ring went on, his Ex cruelly informed him that she had no desire to have children, as she’d promised when they were dating, and that she planned to spend the next few years “partying with her girls.” That is not something you get out of your system before getting married, you see. Or that you impart to your partner before you take that step so that he’ll be ready for you to spend hours at a time getting hoochied up so that you can go out WITHOUT HIM every weekend.

Sorry. Tangent. (Can you tell that I want to pull her stupid hair sometimes?)

When it became clear that “Hey, this might be something serious,” we talked honestly about our respective desire for marriage, family, etc.

He informed me, completely unexpectedly, that he really wants a little girl. I pressed for reasons why, thinking that he grew up with 2 brothers and didn’t want a stinky boy household, or that he’s a complete softy and can’t wait to spoil her.

“I’m not sure. I just picture myself having a daughter.”

This thrills me to no end, I have to say. I’ve always wanted girls, just because the thought of boys and their little spraying penises terrifies me to no end. WHAT. It’s the truth. And then having to experience various boy-related things over the years… “No, we can’t take our penis out at the grocery store… No, we can’t play with our ding-dong in church…Please stop setting your sister on fire…” You know.

Girls are sweet and soft and pink and I can dress them in tutus and play house with them. I know that as soon as they turn 8 they will start hating me for ruining their lives OMG, but until then, it’ll be totally worth it.

Of course, at this rate my ovaries are yelling at me to just GET BUSY ALREADY, WOMAN! And I know that I’ll be thrilled no matter what.

Now that we’ve moved into the house, it would be lying to say that our families aren’t circling like vultures, waiting for us to “make it official.” We’re planning on that, after we’ve had time to adjust to living with each other and have saved some more money.

Eating dinner the other night, I let him know that my mom had been dropping another round of “I Want Grandbabies” hints. I guess you can’t really call them hints when she refuses to call the Guest Room “the guest room” and instead refers to it as “the nursery.”

“Why do you want those color curtains for The Nursery? Don’t you want to start planning a neutral room?”


It’s fun to sit at the table in the kitchen, and talk about where we see ourselves heading in the next few years. There is so much good stuff sitting on the horizon, waiting for us to be ready and head toward it.

The topic of kids is one we like to casually toss out every now and then, whether we’ve heard a creative baby name or a horror story from one of our friends or family members. We were discussing a cousin’s new baby boy, and Army Boy asked “So, is _______ still our first choice for a girl name?”

“I think so, but we’ll have to see what gets trendy in the next year or so. I might have to change my mind.” Yes. Am a non-conformist who cannot bear to name her child whatever might be the next “Katie” or “Jennifer”.

“Is it awful that I really hope for a girl?” he asked thoughtfully.

“Not at all. There are even ways of making it more likely that we’d have one.”

“Really?? Like what?”

“Erm…” I paused momentarily, only being vaguely aware of these measures myself. “I know there are certain positions that are supposed to be more effective for the female sperm. And douching, I think.”

He pondered that for a minute, and his eyes brightened.

“What they really should do is just make a little ‘Lowes’ sign to put in there. That’ll distract all the boys while the girls shoot by like ‘Suckahz!’”

He might have a point.


10 thoughts on “Penises, Sperm and Douching in One Post. My Mom Will Be So Proud.

  1. I kind of wanted a girl first, (and got her). My husband wanted a girl first too, because he thought it would be easier for me because apparently I have issues with men. We have a boy now too, and both are fun. As far as the science on “influencing” the gender, I don’t know how much to believe that. I have heard positions and timing (i.e., closer/farther from ovulation). I don’t know about douching though… it seems like the logic is maybe that you wash the sperm up, but they might wash out too–so careful with that one 😉 when you get around to trying…

  2. I always pictured myself with a girl too. But when I was pregnant everyone kept telling us we were having a boy so English hubby and I wrapped our heads around that slowly and adjusted to the idea, and even got excited. When we had my ultrasound at 20 weeks and found out it was actually a girl we had to readjust our thinking all over again.

    In a “perfect” world (which doesn’t exist) I would have had one of each like Annje, but we’re happy with our family as is and I can’t picture it any other way!

    • I’m not even going to lie, I’d be perfectly happy with one precious little girl like your Sweet Pea. 🙂 How are you dealing with the fun of losing teeth? I was wondering that after the China pics.

      • You’re so sweet. Losing teeth – not a big deal. I acknowledged briefly that this is it – I definitely don’t have a baby anymore. One millisecond of sadness and then you jump into gear to play tooth fairy. There’s not much time for wallowing – even less if you have more than one kid! (can’t imagine….)

  3. Awww…you guys are adorable. That’s great that you guys want the same thing. I really want a girl too. But there are a lot of boys on my husband’s side of the family. He only has a brother, his father has three brothers, and my husband’s cousins are all boys except for one girl. All the new babies on his side are boys! Ahhh! I want at least three kids, but three boys?? I don’t know about that. I don’t know what to do with boys! It IS scary.

  4. Just remind him, if you only have boys, it is his fault. that much has been determined. *evil grin*

    I used to be afraid that I would miss the days of sitting around planning our future. Now we sit around and plan what we are going to do when the kids are GONE! Which is way more exciting. LOL We are going to live it up Wicked style. I used to regret having my family when I was so young, now I look at it and I am like, holy crap, I will be younger than some people who are just starting families when mine start college! Hell to the yeah!!!

    If you keep talking and enjoying each other, it can be like this forever, the planning and the intimacy. Just remember that, hold onto it.

  5. Okay see I don’t want kids but would never ever ever pretend to just to hook a man! I mean, why lie? Why not find someone who also doesn’t want kids and live a happy little compatible life as Aunties and Uncles?

    Um, but if I did want a kid (as I do every now and again), I would totally want a boy.

    • Haha, I loved your story of driving and spending time with your nephew. I could totally see Aunt Hilly becoming an awesome Mom Hilly… in time. 🙂

      I don’t know if the Ex deliberately tricked him by presenting herself a certain way, or if she really did change during their time apart (when he was in Iraq) and recognized that she had different priorities. I think her mistake was not in expressing herself in an adult way when she realized those things.

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