Tales From The Bedroom: The Pitter-Patter of Many, Many Little Feet

(Scene: The Hallway at La Casa, the wee small hours of the morning. Brooke, having woken up as a result of enjoying post-concert libations, shuffles, zombie-like, back toward the bedroom.

As if alerted by a sixth sense, she freezes in her tracks and slowly looks up toward the ceiling.

There, in many-legged glory, directly over The Bedroom door, sits a large centipede.)

Fucking Rambo Centipede: (in a French accent, waving some of its many legs) Allo!

Brooke: Mmmmnnnarrrghhhhh…..

Army Boy: (from within, immediately awake. Ish. ) Whuh? What, what is it?

Brooke: Centipeeeede.

Army Boy: (bedclothes rustle as he stumbles out of bed.) Ok, I’ll get it…

(Brooke mutely walks to the kitchen and returns with a chair. At this point, Army Boy is standing in the bedroom doorway.)

Army Boy: Where is it, Love?

Brooke: *points*

FRC: (in a British accent) How about a spot of tea? Pip pip, cheerio!

(Army Boy looks up and gives a visible shudder. He steels himself and ascends the chair. Brooke walks into the living room, unable to watch the carnage, or the possible escape of the beast.)


FRC: (in a German accent) Ach, nein! Stop vit de squishensteins!

Brooke: (as she hears running footsteps) Um, you ok?

Army Boy: Sucker fell on me when I tried to squish him. And then ran into our bedroom. And is currently UNDER OUR BED.

FRC: (in an Australian accent) I just wanted to save you money on your car insurance!.

(Brooke mutters a string of expletives that would set the Internet on fire, as Army Boy dashes to the foot of the bed and YANKS IT AWAY FROM THE WALL.

Equally quickly, he runs to the now exposed carpet and smashes the hell out of the Fucking Rambo Centipede.)

Fucking Rambo Centipede: (in a Spanish accent) Alas, cruel world! I can’t feel my feet! Or my other feet! Or my hands! Wait… I never HAD hands! DAMN. (dies.)

(Army Boy stands there triumphantly, and Brooke looks on admiringly. Much in the way a woman can move a vehicle when it threatens her child, Army Boy had thrown the bed aside like a Q-tip and saved her from the Fucking Rambo Centipede.)

(Once the bedroom is back in order, they attempt to fall back to sleep.)

Army Boy: You still awake?

Brooke: (sleepily) Yes.

Army Boy: Ugh. That was the first one IN our bedroom, which is SO not cool.

Brooke: Tell me about it.

Army Boy: The bedroom supposed to be off limits.

Brooke: Exactly. Now I will not be able to sleep without thinking centipedes are going to climb in my underwear.

Army Boy: …. I think I understand you SO much better now.

(end scene)


4 thoughts on “Tales From The Bedroom: The Pitter-Patter of Many, Many Little Feet

  1. How did you make this happen? Army Boy is hot and kills bugs. And calls you “Love” in the middle of the night. Seriously, how?

    • I wish I could say “I am sexual napalm.”

      But I think he’s just a nice man. 🙂

      ps- I haven’t stopped reading you!! my firewall hates to let me comment on blogger sites. 😛

  2. I read a magazine article the other day about how bedbugs are known to DROP FROM THE CEILING to latch onto your forehead while you sleep and suck the blood out of you.

    I know you didn’t want to know that, but I shouldn’t be the only one who has to live with this sort of knowledge.

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