(Scene: La Casa Bedroom. Brooke and Army Boy, getting ready to sleep. Brooke looks anxious.)
Brooke: I’m really disturbed by something I saw today. I need to share it with you so you’ll be disturbed too.
Army Boy: (sleepily) Um?
Brooke: Someone on Twitter mentioned “clock spiders”. And I Googled it.
Army Boy: What is it?!
Brooke: A spider the size of a wall clock. A couple only found it because its legs were peeking out from under the clock.
Army Boy: I freakin’ HATE spiders.
Brooke: I KNOW. So there.
Army Boy: Feel better? (Brooke nods.) Get some sleep.
(Brooke looks pensive.)
Army Boy: Mmmph.
Brooke: That just made me think of camel spiders.
Army Boy: Those are some ugly mothers.
Brooke: I read that they MAKE NOISE. They get so pissed that they scream at you.
Army Boy: It’s more like a hissing. Then they charge you.
Brooke: …. OHMYCRAP You SAW SOME. In IRAQ.
Army Boy: I saw a few. I heard they’re worse in Afghanistan.
Brooke: How big are they??
Army Boy: Only a little bigger than a tarantula.
Army Boy: Did you hear the story about the guy who accidentally brought one home from Afghanistan in his gear? And it got out and killed the family’s dog?
Brooke: Please tell me that is not true.
Army Boy: It’s probably just an exaggeration. I got stopped at customs for a pebble in my boot. I can’t imagine they’d let a spider through.
Brooke: You’re right…
Army Boy: Sleep Now?
Brooke: Okaaaay… (twitches feet nervously)
Army Boy: Whaaaaaat.
Brooke: What if there IS one in your gear!? And now it’s IN OUR BASEMENT?!
Army Boy: Our climate is too cold for them. It would have died.
Brooke: Maybe it got OUT of your footlocker and is living IN OUR DRYER. Where I put our CLOTHES.
Army Boy: Babe, Iraq was 4 years ago. If there were a hypothetical camel spider in my gear, I’m sure it’s dead by now. Or maybe still living in the Ex’s basement.
(They exchange an evil smile.)
Brooke: Ok but. What if it IS still down there. Hibernating.
Army Boy: They’re bears now?
Brooke: Or in Cryo-sleep?
Army Boy: (turns to look at her) Who ARE you?!?!?
Brooke: Don’t stop being my friend, ok?
(They burst into hysterical laughter. Brooke is banned from Google images forever after.)