My Angsting, Let Me Share It With You

It’s not a surprise to anyone who’s stopped by this blog in the last year that I’m a bit of a music nerd. And by “a bit” I mean “completely out of control omg did you just hear Carmina Burana playing in such and such a movie?!?!?”

Also- IT’S SO FLUFFY!!!!!

Army Boy and I may have been saying that nonstop, and in the most inappropriate situations lately. Just saying.

I can’t express how relieved I was a few weeks ago when we had our last Singers rehearsal for the summer and I could stare at 3 months of uninterrupted relaxation. It was going to be time to spend with Army Boy, enjoying our evenings, cooking together and working out (HA! FUNNY.)

Recently, I got a notice on Facebook that The Director who asked me to be in the music revue back in May was going to take the helm for a production of “The Taffetas” in Harrisburg. I had a moment of wistfulness, thinking that it would be a great opportunity to get back on the stage for the first time since 2006… But quickly dismissed that idea offhand.

I was going to RELAX. ENJOY MY FREE TIME. BE WITH MY MAN. TAKE! YOGA!

*deep breath*

As I saw the “event notification” that the audition was taking place Monday night, I was a little envious, but pretty resolute in my decision.

Yesterday morning, I logged on to the computer for the first time, and had a notification on Facebook from The Director.

“Would you be interested in doing a show this summer?”

I scheduled to go out and audition last night.

I was mental mess about it. On one hand, it would be a blast to do a musical again. Performing in the choir and the band isn’t quite the same as putting on a costume and “becoming someone else” for two hours. I look at my possible schedule for the next couple of years, and can’t see any time opening up that will allow me the luxury of taking one more turn on the stage.

On the other, there goes my summer of relaxing. That down time I NEEDED. To do yoga, spend time with my boyfriend and focus on getting in shape. Replaced by late nights of rehearsal and barely seeing each other. Not being able to cook dinner together and spend that time that will be so vital to our “making it” through the first year living together. I’m not naïve. I don’t want to entirely depend on him to make sure that certain chores around the house are getting taken care of, and that’s what the next two months would be.

At the same time, I’m afraid of letting other people down. Of getting in there, and filling a role that they need, and then being unable to put in the commitment.

So. I was afraid to let Army Boy down. And The Director down.

And I was completely unsure of what I REALLY WANT in all this. For about half an hour, I was filled with excitement. I’m doing a show! I’m playing a role! There will be costumes and a stage and lights and applause…

Then I started to think about other things that could slip because of the show, and now it’s just a matter of weighing pros and cons. When did I get to this point, where I’m so self aware and know exactly what I can and can’t handle? It’s a great quality, but also a downer. I’m left constantly examining other people, wondering how they can take on the world and also be wives, mothers, and employees.

Oh, let’s throw the migraines/tension headaches into the mix. Since we still don’t know what they are or how to effectively keep them under control. I’m sure that adding 8 weeks of nightly rehearsals won’t affect that at all. *SARCASM!*

In the past, with another partner, I wouldn’t have hestitated before jumping into this endeavor. Other boyfriends, even though they were all selectively chosen from the same field that I’m pursuing, wouldn’t have been as understanding about all of the time I’d be taking from them to put into a show. Army Boy has already expressed that he’ll support me no matter what direction I choose to go with this, and that only makes me want to be home with him more.

I wouldn’t know the full extent of the commitment I’d be making until after… until then I could only continue rapidly alternating back and forth between positives, and negatives.

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