Sometime between entering and exiting the audition Tuesday night, I’d made my decision: I couldn’t see myself making the drastic changes that I’d need to just to accommodate the schedule of rehearsals and performances.
The show itself was about a quartet, travelling around the country and performing 50’s hits. By nature, it’s very different than a cast musical, such as “Fiddler on the Roof” or “Bye Bye Birdie.” Those shows have a group of leads, cast of minor players and an ensemble to fill out the sound in those big showy musical numbers. This show? 4. Four people to learn all the music, steps, dialogue… And a rigid and intense rehearsal schedule to match. If committed to this particular project, I’d start nightly rehearsals immediately for the next 3 months, culminating in 2 weeks of late nights and daily performances.
Frankly? I don’t have the drive anymore.
I don’t know if that disappoints me, saddens me, or makes me proud of my own self awareness. But I just don’t have the hunger that I used to for the stage. For the applause and the accolades and the chance to have my name in lights and picture in the paper.
I had those days in the past, they were great, and right now I’ve moved on. I’m at a different place in my life, a quieter and more peaceful place where I’m fulfilled by cooking a nice meal and taking an hour to concentrate on meditation. The thought of 3 months of nonstop go-go-go quite frankly terrifies me.
Army Boy and I sat down with a copy of the schedule, and I studied his face as he looked at the pages of rehearsal calendar. I could tell that he shared my apprehension when faced with the grueling reality of being apart 4 nights a week for 2 months, and then nightly in September. Maybe if we’d been together for a longer period of time, I wouldn’t still be so excited to get home to him every day. I don’t know if that feeling goes away, or is supposed to. For now, the only way to be most true to myself is to listen to it. I’ll be perfectly happy to pick back up on music in 3 months with Singers. Until then, having some freedom in my schedule is a relief.
The audition itself was a great experience. It’s been 3 years since I had a comprehensive theater audition, with singing, dancing and acting, and it’s good to do that occasionally. I can’t pretend that I wasn’t pleased when I was given a choice of audition songs and saw “Stupid Cupid” in the bunch, a standard that I cover with the band. In the past, I would have been sitting there analying every little thing…
“Those four ladies look most alike, they’re a shoo-in based on appearance. Oh, but these four sound the best together. Wait, that one kept bombing her solo, I’m better than that…”
Somewhere along the road to maturity, I dropped that competitive edge. Now I can sit back and appreciate the talents of my fellow performers. Most of all, I admire the time and dedication they’re willing to give to make a show the best that it can be.
At another time, with another show that’s not as demanding, I’ll be back on the stage, shining away again. This one wasn’t meant to be for me. Honestly, I’ll sleep better tonight having peace with that decision.
On a completely and utterly unrelated note, Yankees Fan found out last week that his wife was expecting their fourth baby. Yesterday, they discovered that it’s a boy. After three girls, I can’t help but be thrilled for them. My heart does weep a little at the thought of another little Yankees Fan coming along, though. Especially since his Daddy is seriously toying with the idea of Derek Jeter [Lastnamehere] as a potential name. For some reason, my suggestions of Boston Fenway or Cask N Flagon weren’t entertained with any seriousness.
I wonder why.
Txting Mr Darcy 
I saw your post yesterday and didn’t have time to comment, but I was probably going to say something all wise and stuff, like go with your gut or put yourself in the position of accepting/not-accepting the role and see how you *feel* either way. But now here you go, you figured it out all by yourself.
Sarcasm aside, whether it’s maturity or not, I’d probably always go with the choice you made – relationships are first priority. (but I would’ve loved to see you perform….!)
Thanks for the validation Kim… It’s hard, because that little voice is still going “You want applause! You want recognition!”
And the homebody voice is going, “Why??”
My most recent post is in a similar vein–I like a slower paced life, and the more I accept that, the happier I am! It sounds like you made the right decision for yourself. The plus side of self awareness is that it saves you months of frustration and regret after making the wrong decision! Enjoy your summer with Army Boy.
Hi Katy! Thanks for stopping by- I love your writing, and seeing that acceptance of what I’m slowly figuring out. 🙂
In reference to your thoughts about still being excited to come home to Army Boy every night….Scott and I have been together for a little over 4 years now, and I LOVE coming home to him. He works 12 hour days, and when I get home when he’s working daylight, I can’t wait for him to get home at 7.
Him, I feel bad for because I’m hardly ever gone, and he doesn’t get much time to himself. So he may not feel quite the same, but at least he still loves me. haha 🙂
What a cool place to have come in your life! Relish it. Give yourself the time. Neat.