The Curious Incident of the Cat in the Nighttime

(Scene: Brooke and Army Boy, out on their nightly walk. Brooke notices a flurry of movement in her peripheral vision, and stops to observe.)

Army Boy: (confused) Whatcha up to?

Brooke: (pointing) Look. What’s that cat chasing…

(They both watch as a smallish cat dashes through the bushes in front of a home, and the sounds of a panicked rabbit float across the street.)

Brooke: Oh no! It’s after a bunny! It won’t get it….

(The cat gets it.)

(It stands there, with the little rabbit hanging out of its mouth flailing around and yelling)

Brooke: SHIT. (claps LOUDLY) HEY! You NASTY animal! DROP IT! Let it go!!!

(The cat looks at Brooke, like “are you effing kidding?” and bounds off into the house’s backyard.)

Brooke: Ugh. Fuckin’ cats. I should chase it.

Army Boy: I’m pretty sure that’s trespassing. The bunny’s already dead, babe.

Brooke: It was still moving.

AB: Chickens move when you cut their heads off.

Brooke: Ok, THANKS Debbie Downer.

(They resume walking, Brooke looking back toward where the cat disappeared.)

(New Scene: Bedroom at La Casa, hours later. The walk has been concluded, popsicles consumed and hours of smutty tv watched. Brooke and Army Boy are laying in bed.)

Brooke: I still hate that asshole cat.

AB: Babe… what could you have done?

Brooke: Thrown a rock at it.

AB: Um, no.

Brooke: Um, YES. Because that same cat is going to go to their owner and be all “mew, mew! Let me in!” The dumb sucker is going to open the door, and then the cat will purr and be cute and GIVE THE OWNER KISSES WITH ITS BUNNY ENTRAIL-COVERED TONGUE.

AB: Wow. That’s disgusting.

Brooke: AND THEN?! It will go in the living room and get ready to go to sleep, kneading the couch with its blood and disease soaked claws.

(She demonstrates on Army Boy’s shoulder.)

AB: Baby… You’re a little nuts.

Brooke: I’ll go back tomorrow and hit it with my car. That will be-

AB: (interrupting) CRAZY.

Brooke: (scornfully) NO. It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE*.

AB: (thoughtfully)…. You know, I bet that new Chinese place that just opened would like a welcoming present.

Brooke: I’m glad we’re on the same page.

(End scene.)

* We** do not actually wish violence toward cats as a whole. Especially not involving cars.

**Army Boy would like you to know that “we” refers to him. Brooke totally meant it about chasing down the beast.


6 thoughts on “The Curious Incident of the Cat in the Nighttime

  1. I love my cats… however being indoor cats we don’t run into the baby bunny killing issue. A mouse now and then but we’re fine with that. One less thing for us to do.

    If it makes you feel any better, more than likely the cat laid the bloodied carcass on the door stoop of their owners home… or maybe brought it in with them when they were let in. So the owner knows. Believe me… they know. We had a stray cat that loved us several years ago and we came out in the morning to many “gifts”.


  2. A world without fewer cats would be…much better. THERE. I SAID IT. May your readers hate me too.

    Our old landlord had an outdoor cat who would drop by our apartment from time to time. She was okay, as far as cats go, which is like a negative in dog world, but whatever. Anyway, this one time she came by, opened her mouth, and spit a bloody, dead baby mouse on our carpet. It was beyond horrifying, yet somehow a triumph for me, since it proved my cat hate was justifiable the entire time.

    • *gag gag gag*

      My OCD would insist that we get the carpet replaced. 😉

      Don’t even get me started on Army Boy’s parents’ cat. God love them, but this thing is a NASTY ASSHOLE BITCHCAT. If I’m going to take care of you, feed you, pay your vet bills and clean your poop, you’d better be NICE to me.

      Same goes with kids, really.

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