I Call It “Being Helpful”

As another year draws to its close, people near and far (at least, in the US and countries who observe a similar calendar with a year ending approximately when ours does) are starting to consider improvements that they can make to their lives during our next spin around the sun. These are the ever popular “resolutions,” and most will find themselves abandoned by the side of the road within the first few days of 2011’s infancy.

In searching for my own potential life changes for the next year (in addition to the usual “exercise more and don’t be a cow for the wedding”), I realized that I’m far better at suggesting resolutions for OTHERS, than I am at detecting flaws within my own character.


Those people should consider themselves among the lucky, because it shows that they annoy the fuck out of me  I care enough to make them my mission of holiday salvation.


To the Two People in the Next Row with Disgusting Smoker’s Coughs:

As much as I enjoy your every half hour symphony of spittle, I resolve that you shall henceforth bring a multitude of cough drops, bottles of water and perhaps inhalers to combat your totally disgusting and annoying habit. Keep smoking if you want, I don’t give a shit. Just shut the hell up with the wheezing. I wouldn’t come to work while sick without an arsenal of tools to make my plague less disgusting, and it’s not too much to ask that others reserve the same courtesy. Especially in the confined workplace.

No really, you make me want to vomit.

To the Loud Talker in the OTHER Row:

The volume at which you conduct your phone conversations does NOT make you seem more important to those sitting around you. It just makes us want to shoot you more. For the new year, resolve to be more mindful of others sitting around that may not want to know the location of such and such drive or the results of your query on the population of whats-it’s-butt crossed with those other guys.

To the Perpetually Late:

GEE, doesn’t it SUCK having a co-worker who is chronically early?! And notices that you’re never here on time??

I resolve that you shall keep in mind how fabulous it is to HAVE a job and not take advantage of the fact that we’re trusted professionally and expected to work our scheduled hours. Fabulous.

To The Know It All:

We get it. You’re smart. You went to a lot of school, and make waaaay more money than the rest of us. The Doctorate after your name doesn’t give you a license to run your mouth about how inadequate every single system that is used by the Big Insurance Company is for the entirety of the 8 hours that you’re in the office each other. There are other smart people that make a lot of money and went to a lot of school, and they’re not as snarky as you. For the new year, try to tame that down. Per the amazing Ben Folds, “There’s always someone cooler than you.”

To the Oblivious Grocery Store Aisle Hoggers:

It’s wonderful that you ran into your long-lost neighbor from 30 years ago in the dairy aisle of the local food emporium. However, some people (ME) hate the weekly market run with a passion and don’t go to socialize, or be held up by those who do. I resolve that you will have more awareness of your surroundings, and move your cart or your conversation to a more convenient location if you absolutely must have a Summit by the Sour Cream. You don’t like getting the Burny Eyes of Death ™ from little bitches like me, after all.

Hmm… perhaps my resolution for the New Year should be a lot of Ativan  to not let other people and their “quirks” get to me. Look, I turned a bitchy rant into a learning moment. Go Me!

*shakes pom-poms*

Do YOU have any resolutions this year/some that you bust out yearly and then abandon?



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