(Scene: The Frat House’s new digs, which is conveniently separated by gender. The women are on one end of the aisle, the men at the other. This allows much more time for talk of pretty sparkly things, and less time for talk of firehose penises.)
(Enter Dr D-Bag, a pretentious windbag who holds the esteemed position of Medical Director and makes sure EVERYONE KNOWS IT. Also Note: He will not speak to women, instead addressing all questions to the members of the department possessing penises.)
Dr D-Bag: BLAH BLAH BLAH PRETENTIOUSCAKES
(Brooke rolls her eyes, reaches for the peanut butter cups.)
Dr D-Bag: IN MY OPINION BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
New Pharmacist*: I agree. In this case blah blah blah….
(Brooke decides to have another peanut butter cup.)
Dr D-Bag: IN FACT, I NEED TO KNOW WHICH OF MY NURSING BLAH BLAH BLAH….
Brooke (under her breath): Gee, I thought we were the PHARMACY department. Glad to know I was wrong… (Reaches for another peanut butter cup, decides to chew gum instead.)
Dr D-Bag: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE BEING HERE OTHER THAN TO LISTEN TO MYSELF TALK.
Wheels: That is a shock to me.
Brooke: Let the record state that it is five minutes til 10am, and I’m already hitting the Excedrin.
Steelers Fan: There are extenuating circumstances.
Dr D-Bag: I have trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!
Brooke: What could they be?
Steelers Fan: I think it’s time for some M&Ms.
Brooke: Yup. The peanut butter cups are meeting quick and painful deaths over here. I decided to switch to gum to satisfy my oral fixation.
Steelers Fan: I’m sure there are other-
Brooke: NO. Too early.
Wheels: Is it EVER too early for blow jobs?
Brooke: (in best cheesy commercial spokesperson voice) “Orbit. For when it’s just too early for blowjobs.”
Wheels: No really, is it EVER?
Other Women: ……
*Note: New Pharmacist meets the criteria of “Underlings Dr D-Bag Will Speak To.” (Hint: He has boyparts.)