A little over two years ago, I decided to start online dating. Shortly after that, I got the bright idea that I’d share with the Internets how it was going.
Even more shortly after THAT, I met Army Boy and he ruined my blog idea.
So, we’re happy, we’re hunky-dory, we’ve got the house and the ring and the puppy and the honeymoon to Ireland in the works…
But of course, something insidious was creeping into the picture. No, quite literally.
See, here’s me when Army Boy and I first got together. It’s a familiar shot, and has been my pic on my profile page for quite some time.
Two weekends ago, we got together with the family for a birthday celebration, and this happened:
WHO IS THAT GIRL?! Where did she come from?!?! She is… doughy! And round-faced and…
Oh. That’s ME?
“They” say that you have a moment when you hit the wall, and can’t keep going forward the way you have been. That picture was my moment. When I couldn’t ignore the fact that I had gained WEIGHT. All Caps. I could no longer put my finger on the excuses of “I’m so busy!”, “There’s snow everywhere and it’s cold!”, “I’m soooo tired from getting up at 5am with the puppy”, etc etc etc to infinity.
I’m getting married in 6 months. And I will NOT be happy if I have to look back at wedding pictures where I don’t look like me.
Last week I got serious. I got a scale, dusted out the old pilates dvds and the bike, and started a diet. EW. I can’t believe I just used the d-word here on my blog.
I know this probably sounds bad and self-loathey, and I don’t mean to come off like that. However, my filter that appears to have applied to online dating also applies to dieting (AGH THAT WORD AGAIN), and I have trouble being anything but honest.
Like about how I fantasize about walking into the next row and decking the size 4 girl who just sat down with a massive plate of Chinese food. Gaaahhh…
In all honesty, I’ve had some great role models lately that let me know how awesome losing weight can feel (notably The Yezel and Erika at Parsing Nonsense), and let’s face it… It IS wedding year. Not to be the total stereotype who grows out her hair and immediately goes on a diet- shit, I gained weight since getting engaged, obviously, but I can’t assume that the dress is going to go on and voila! Instant princess!
Here’s the problem: I LOVE food. I love cooking it, I love eating it, I love watching programs about it and trying new things. I typically don’t drink my calories- I EAT them. And enjoy every second of it.
Since last week, I’ve bitched, moaned, complained, wanted to quit, and felt like a failure (at dieting. How silly) I railed against the fact that I had to think about each and every thing I’m eating, and that thinking about food that much made me want to EAT IT MORE. And finally, I think I’m coming out the other side. Looking at this as more of a challenge than a sentence. It’s safe to say I’m getting a handle on the daily routine, and making the necessary changes that will hopefully jumpstart me on my way back to a body that I can live with.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled snarking.