Temptation.

(Scene: The Frat House, Monday Afternoon. Yankees Fan comes in bearing bakery boxes. )

Yankees Fan: Hey guys. I have cupcakes if anyone wants one.

Everyone: Mmm! Yum! Etc.

Brooke: Haha, no thanks! I will just eat this AWESOME WATERMELON instead!

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: Ha! Good job, self! You did it! Way to resist! Don’t you feel so much better? Now you can go home and EXERCISE, and then maybe have some sort of low-fat treat after dinner! Yay!

Brooke: Shutup, bitch.

N-Pants: What?

Brooke: Oh no, not talking to you! Haha! Stupid… computer… is… being a bitch! Yes! HA!

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: No need to get pissy. I mean, I know you’re hormonal and all, and probably would REEEEEALLY like that chocolate icing right now…

Brooke: No really. I’m going to stab you in the face. Shut up. (grabs a piece of gum and chews furiously)

(Time passes. Brooke heats up her Healthy Bullshit Lunch™ and eats it while continuing to dig out from under the mounds of work that Monday always brings. An email flashes onto the corner of her screen.)

Email from Yankees Fan: Hey gang! I have cupcakes over here at my desk! Come and get them, the wife said I’m not allowed to bring them home.

Brooke: (grits her teeth, hits “reply.”) “My wedding dress hates you.” There, that should do it.

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: Hey, how ya doin? Ya doin’ good? Yeah, just checking in.

Brooke: Uh huh. Great. I’m peachy.

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: Ok… I mean, I can imagine how much it must SUCK to have to say no to those amazing, gooey, scrumptious—

Brooke: NOT HELPING.

Brooke’s Inner Monologue:– cupcakes for a second time. But look at how awesome your willpower is!

Brooke: Yeah, thanks. Woo. Now go away so I can eat this DELICIOUS banana. JUST what I was craving. A fuc-

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: HEY! Do you think the language is really necessary?!?

Brooke: YES. IT IS NECESSARY. I am FIVE SECONDS from driving to Target, buying a chocolate bunny and biting that sonofabitch’s head RIGHT OFF. OK?! Just let me suffer in silence!!

NewPharm: Yankees Fan, would you like some pastries? My wife picked them up over the weekend at Snooty McBakesalot.

Yankees Fan: Damn, those look really good.

Brooke: (like a mantra) They are men with amazing metabolisms… they are men with amazing metabolisms….

PMS: Hey, how’s it going??

Brooke: Oh shit, not you too!! I can’t handle anymore right now!

PMS: Is she always like this?

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: No, she was definitely more fun before the diet. You know, with the baking, and the pasta with cream sauces and the baklava…

PMS: So what’s the problem?

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: Some bullcrap about the wedding, and not wanting to look like the StayPuff Marshmallow Dude…

Brooke: Don’t talk about me like I’m not here!

PMS: Oh, I’m SORRY crankypants. Would you rather I talk TO you? Because you are too pissy right now even for ME!

Brooke’s Inner Monologue: Word.

Brooke: Guys? As much as I’m enjoying this? There’s work to do. Tons of it. And since I’m not getting help from the coworkers, I need to focus on that. And to avoid being pissy about THAT? I’m focusing on the fact that we are getting married in 6 months. So I honestly don’t have time to argue with the voices in my head about this diet.

PMS: Chocolate. You wants it.

Brooke: Bite me.

(End Scene)

(image via google images)

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10 thoughts on “Temptation.

  1. Okay, so actually leaving the comment on this one.

    Right. #1 NOT DOUGHY. YOU.

    #2 Given that the color of red velvet is found nowhere in nature (at least not the really good, fresh-air, make your cheeks ruddy and your butt smaller nature), it is best you didn’t try any of that flavor (assuming there was red velvet, since ohmygod it’s everywhere in every bakery whhhyyy).

    P.S. Watermelon sucks. And there’s the dribbly problem. When _I’m_ deluding myself, I always go with frozen grapes.

    P.P.S. YOU’RE WELCOME.

    • I’m so glad someone else thinks red velvet cake is the sham of the century (okay, not your words, but still…). Isn’t it just devil’s food cake with red food coloring? I don’t get it.

      Bravo on the willpower, girl.

    • *spits water all over the computer attempting not to laugh*

      Who says I’m deluding myself? It’s a “lifestyle change”…. BAHAHAHAHA

      *puffs out cheeks to resume doughy-ness*

  2. PMS is the dieter’s devil. It is a fact.

    Fruit is delicious! Seriously, and just envision anyone picking up one of those baked goods as quickly blowing up, swelling into a Ghostbusters character. Makes you laugh and preoccupies your mind.

    • Wicked Shawn is right. PMS & Easter. They’re both out to destroy the dieter. It’s a conspiracy, I think…..

  3. Hahaha. Brilliant! We get sent cupcakes at work all the time, I have to move my chair so I can’t see them. I’m trying to get swimsuit fit for the summer.

    Well done on resisting.

    Toast

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