I FINALLY finished A Clash of Kings, the second book in the “Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R. R. Martin. Those books pack some serious punch, and as much as I would love to read them from beginning to end, I find myself needing a break for some levity and potentially some young-adult/dystopian/trashy romance. I’m not going to write a typical review on these novels, because, well… They’ve been around for a while.
This is purely the product of my sleep-deprived brain laaaaate last night. Any plot information is based on where I am in my reading, not based on the story as a whole OR on the HBO series. So I may be spoilery, or may not have the whole story. And that’s ok with me. Leave spoilers and I may cut you. I’ve been reading far too much about swords lately.
Gandalf: Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen, and those of you who don’t identify with either gender. In the spirit of friendly competition, I’ve brought together some of my dear friends for a roundtable discussion of the relative merits of J. R. R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, and George R. R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” series. We aim to keep this a friendly discussion, so as not to draw comparisons to some of the more recent political *cough*
Republican!*cough* debates that may also be interrupting some of your regularly scheduled programming.
I’m your host for this evening, because, well… I’m Gandalf the White. And Magneto, but we can get into that some other time. Let’s start off speaking to some of our protagonists from both stories, to hear what they have to say.
Frodo: I really never wanted to be involved with this anyway? But, yanno, if a wizard comes along and tells you he has an important quest for you, you typically don’t say “No thanks, I was going to work on my Fantasy Hobbitball team instead…”
Ned Stark: Right? I’ve got the same issue. King Robert came to Winterfell, and was all “Ned, you’re the only one that I can trust to do this. All of my previous Hands have met untimely ends, and I need you to figure out why.” Well guess what? Now I’M dead.
Frodo: That sucks, dude. I had plenty of people try to kill me, but fortunately none succeeded.
Ned: You want to know what’s worse? Robert was killed by his evil wife Cersei to cover up the fact that she was HUMPING HER BROTHER and that all the royal progeny were all products of incest and illegible to inherit-
Cersei Lannister: YOU HAVE NO PROOF.
Bran Stark: But I dooooo…..
Jaime Lannister: Get lost, or take a flight kid.
Ned: Are you done? As I was saying, now one of those bastards is sitting on the Iron Throne and the entire kingdom has been plunged into chaos.
Joffrey Baratheon: I just can’t wait to be king!
Aragorn: Speak for yourself. I never wanted to be the king, because of my tainted blood.
Joffrey: Mother, what does tainted blood mean?
Cersei: Don’t you worry Precious, I’m sure your Lannister-squared bloodline isn’t remotely responsible for your sadistic tendencies.
Sansa Stark: I’m just glad I don’t have to marry him anymore. I bet all of his rage is compensation for a tiny-
Ned: AS I was saying… Joffrey is on the Iron Throne, but the rightful heir to the throne Stannis Baratheon attacked Westeros to attempt to claim his place. Meanwhile, King Robert’s younger brother Renly ALSO decided to name himself King, married some Tyrell tart and raised an army in the south.
Gandalf: What you’re saying is that shit was getting serious?
Aragorn: That really doesn’t sound so bad, honestly. At least you’re not dealing with a supernatural foe that trapped his life force within a ring and is raising an army of horrific creatures to enslave the entire world as you know it.
Frodo: AND you don’t have to deal with any elves or dwarves.
Tyrion Lannister: Not so fast, Hobbit. I basically ran the city until the battle for King’s Landing, when my evil, incestuous bitch of a sister-
Cersei: Me again! *jazz hands*
Tyrion: -told one of her knights to make sure that I didn’t come back from the battle. Also, I serve to provide comic relief and make a lot of short jokes.
Gimli, Son of Gloin: That’s just what I did! Complete with dwarf-tossing.
Tyrion: I wish I had thought of that!
Joffrey: Yes, someone see that my uncle gets “tossed.”
Tyrion: F@#$ you, Joffrey.
Gandalf: Wow, I bet our censors loved that one! Ned, back to you for some more information on our story thus far.
Ned: Well, after my death my son Robb called all of my bannermen from the surrounding lands and made sure they swore loyalty to him. They did one better and encouraged him to go to war against the Lannisters to avenge my death.
Gandalf: So, he doesn’t want the crown?
Ned: Not exactly… but once everyone saw that he was a fair leader and a brave warrior in battle, they crowned him “King in the North.” So yes, we have another contender.
Joffrey: I WANT ROBB STARK DEAD.
Cersei: Quiet Precious, Mummy’s working on it.
Gollum: Who has the Precious!!!??? *Jumps on Cersei, starts biting her* MY OWN! MY PRECIOUS!
Jaime Lannister: Um… Yeah, I’m out… *exists stage right*
Tyrion: What a shame. And yet it seems only fair after I took a sword to the face.
Gandalf: So, to sum things up- in Middle Earth, we had a crazy Steward of Gondor, a possessed King of Rohan and a wimpy heir of Isildur. In Westeros, you’ve got two of the dead King’s brothers-
Ned: Well, one actually. According to my lady wife, some creepy sorcery went down in King Renly’s tent and he was killed by King Stannis. Though by what sorcery that could be accomplished, the gods only know.
Melisandre: *Dramatic wink*
Gandalf: One of the King’s brothers, the King’s bastard son, your own son… and the heir to the Targaryen line, Daenerys. Who, bee-tee-dubs, has dragons.
All Game of Thrones Characters: DRAGONS?!
Gandalf: Ooops, you didn’t know that?! Spoiler alert!!
Samwise Gamgee: Master Frodo, I think that they’ve got us beat. Orcs aren’t nearly as cool as dragons!
Frodo: They can’t be nearly as bad as Nazgul. Or Shelob. Or… Whatever Sam, go make me a sandwich.
Sam: You are SUCH a bitch since we got back from Mordor.
Jon Snow: Oh, by the way? We’ve got zombies too. At least, that’s what I think they are. We saw them in Book One and then haven’t really revisited that plot point.
Gandalf: And you sir, are?
Ned: Well, he’s my illegitimate son. But I raised him as my own until I forced him to go guard the wall that protects our kingdom. My wife KINDA has a problem with the fact that I haven’t told anyone who his mother is. Since I’m dead? That’s not getting resolved any time soon.
Maury Povich: Ned Stark, you ARE the father!
Ned: I’m pretty sure I haven’t contested that.
Aragorn: At least people in Westeros are gettin’ some. Amirite?!
Gandalf: I think that’s all we have time for tonight, but it seems like things are JUST getting interesting in the debate between Middle Earth and Westeros. Make sure to tune in next time!
(images found via Google images)